


The Scars We Leave

by Elise_Writes



Category: Naruto
Genre: (Abuse is not in reference to the main pairing), Abuse, Aftermath, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anbu Haruno Sakura, Anbu Uchiha Itachi, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, BAMF Haruno Sakura, BAMF Uchiha Itachi, Blood and Gore, Cutting, Depression, Dissociation, Doctor Haruno Sakura, Dubious Consent, F/M, Gen, Good Uchiha Itachi, Haruno Sakura-centric, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Haruno Sakura, POV Uchiha Itachi, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recovery, Seduction, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Mutilation, Strong Haruno Sakura, Tags May Change, Uchiha Itachi Has Issues, Uchiha Itachi Lives, Uchiha Itachi-centric, Violence, itasaku - Freeform, will tag as needed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:54:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23111305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elise_Writes/pseuds/Elise_Writes
Summary: Sakura self-injures to deal with overwhelming emotions. Itachi self-injures to feel something. When the two shinobi meet in group therapy under a henge that keeps them anonymous, they strike up a tentative friendship. As tensions in both their lives begin to escalate, can the two help each other? AU. Non-mass. Cross-posted. Full content warning inside.**Non-con rating has to do with shinobi seduction missions and past trauma only.
Relationships: Haruno Sakura/Uchiha Itachi
Comments: 164
Kudos: 325





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Content/trigger warning: This story has central themes of self-injury. It may discuss in detail the act of self-injury, the emotions before, during, and after self-injuring, descriptions of injuries and/or scars, etc. It may also discuss other difficult issues, such as past abuse, that will be appropriately tagged. Please use discretion, read with caution, and reach out to your country’s crisis services if needed. Thank you. <3

The first time Sakura ever self-injures, it is an accident.

She’s at the academy, age 9, and worrying about how to balance all of her electives in a way to make her parents proud.

She’s naturally good at genjutsu and wouldn’t mind working in that area, but her taijutsu form is terrible and she needs help and, oh, what about the special kunoichi classes required for female ninja-

She's anxious and tense and right as she feels like the world is about to cave in, it all slows. And as suddenly as she started worrying, she felt herself relax. When her friend points out that she was holding onto herself, hugging herself, so tightly that her fingernails have pierced her arms and left behind blooded, half-moon marks, Sakura laughs it off before going to the washroom and cleaning the area the best she can. 

She isn't sure why this helped her to calm down, but she'll remember it.

* * *

The next time she self-injures, it is a year later. The academy was hosting its annual field day to showcase the children’s skills to their parents and others in the village. Sakura waits anxiously as the minutes slowly tick by only to realize that her parents aren’t coming.

When she moves to stand by the lone group of orphaned kids, sectioned off from the happy family displays in the training fields, one of them asks her why she’s standing over here if she has parents.

Sakura blanches, then reddens, and finally voices together an incoherent string of words- trying to convey her parents were busy that day- before running off.

At dinner that night, Sakura hesitantly asks her father why her parents couldn’t come to field day. She knew her mother would never speak up and her father, at only two drinks in, was as happy as he could ever be. When he tells her he didn’t have the time to waste in watching her disappoint him, Sakura swallows down every feeling, every protest, and just nods.

That night, when the pain seems unbearable, when all she wants to know is what’s wrong with her, why won’t they love her, she remembers the relief her nail-marks gave her before and hesitantly draws one of her practice kunai across her arm.

It doesn’t even break the skin- it’s too dull for that. Instead, it leaves a viscous, angry welt, but it still hurts and Sakura cries in relief. She doesn’t know how or why, but she knows that this, this marring of her skin, is making her feel better when nothing else has.

* * *

Over the years, the self-injury slowly gets more and more severe. While it starts out infrequent enough, when more and more things that she perceives as stressful- her class standing, her parents arguing, her fight with Ino- build up, she turns to self-injury to relieve the stress.

What was once a sufficient amount of self-injury to ease her mind was suddenly lacking. It took more wounds, going deeper than ever, to get the same results. What began with practice kunai turned into real kunai turned into razor blades.

Sakura isn’t stupid. She knows that this behavior isn’t exactly normal, knows that getting caught doing... whatever _this_ is, can only lead to trouble.

So she’s careful. She tries not to mar her arms too badly and instead sticks to harming the tops of her legs, her hips, her stomach.

Her self-injury continues on for years, either unnoticed or uncared about, even through the disaster that is team 7. She’s sure her sensei knows- after all, he seems to know everything- but can see why he wouldn’t expend the effort to discuss it with her. How disgusting she must be to him, perfectly healthy and whole and yet slicing her skin open, when there are shinobi that come back from the battlefield with real wounds, or even those that don’t come back at all.

After the fallout of team 7, Sakura is left alone and the self-injury only worsens. This has been her way of dealing with overwhelming emotions for so long now and she can’t imagine how she would ever do without.

So she buries her feelings into her skin.

Her sorrow at the dissolution of team 7. Her loneliness at being abandoned. Her rage at herself for being so far behind her teammates in skill level and so stupid as to focus on boys and social standing instead of training. Her resentment at her sensei for his always seeming to ignore her in favor of the boys. Her grief at the thought that her team would never be like a second family like the academy always told them. Her fear of the uncertainty of the future. Her devastation when she realizes she will never make her father proud. Her anger over the fact that she’s treated differently as a civilian born than she would be as a clan child and the unfairness of it all. All of it, a cataclysm of worries and fear and sadness, is enough to drown her.

She carves out all that hate, all the pain, until she’s left riddled with a body full of scars but she can finally breathe again.

Then, she meets Tsunade.

* * *

As a sannin and the world’s best medical ninja, it doesn’t take Tsunade very long to notice Sakura’s self-injury.

And Tsunade... Tsunade is a mess herself. Despite being Hokage, she can barely go a day without drinking, without finding any way to lose herself for a little while. She’s in no state of mind to try and counsel Sakura and might even make the problem worse if she tried.

What she can do as the girl's current sensei and Hokage, however, is strongly encourage ( _read: order_ ) Sakura to attend therapy and cheer her on quietly from the sidelines.

So at the age of 14, five years after beginning self-injuring, two years after the dissolution of team 7, and one year after being taken on as the Hokage's apprentice, Sakura starts attending therapy once a week as long as she’s in the village.

It isn’t the smoothest process, in the beginning.

It doesn’t help that Sakura doesn’t want to be there. She’s reticent and sullen and for once acts like the teenager she’s supposed to be. She knows this is meant to help her, but still. Talking to someone she doesn’t know, a civilian even, about her most painful secret isn’t something she enjoys doing.

When Sakura finally decides that she will actually _try_ in therapy so she can be better- she might as well try since she's forced to go- she realizes that she is smarter than almost every therapist she meets with. Despite their supposedly vast education and experience, Sakura throws them for a loop, using her intelligence, advanced vocabulary, and maturity to run circles around the therapists.

It’s juvenile and should be beyond her, but Sakura can’t take discussing something so intimate with someone that just can’t keep up, and it provides her a vindictive sense of joy to mess with them.

Finally, Sakura is assigned a brilliant therapist, who has years of experience treating shinobi patients and is intelligent enough to understand Sakura completely.

Sakura’s stress level is at an all-time high with practically running the hospital, entering ANBU, and still running missions. Still, she’s recognized that self-injury could potentially leave her weak in the field, so it’s something she only does while in the village with the chakra capacity to heal herself.

Sakura’s therapist doesn’t like that fact that Sakura still continues to occasionally harm herself, but since it’s only when she’s in the village, the severity and overall frequency of her self-injury has gone down, and she’s not suicidal, the therapist is, for now, content. While it’s still worrying that Sakura doesn’t seem to see a problem with harming herself- only making sure the time and location are acceptable first- Sakura otherwise adjusts well to shinobi life.

So Sakura continues her on and off- pattern of self-injury, never getting too severe to require further treatment but also never giving it up entirely.

As a medic-nin, it’s easy to heal wounds with no one ever knowing, and besides the relief self-injury gives from overwhelming emotions, Sakura also likes the scars she can leave behind. The scars that show that her pain is real when she begins to doubt herself.

She leaves certain scars behind intentionally- like the one from the day Kakashi-sensei just up and left, barely a word of goodbye, or the one from the day she lost her first patient as a med-nin- so that can remember that the pain was real and not all in her head. The scars laid out across her skin are proof of it.

To this day, only the Hokage, her therapist, and Sakura herself know of her self-injury.

Since Sakura seems to have hit a plateau in her therapy- not getting any better but not getting any worse, either- the therapist recommends she try group therapy.

Group.

As in, with other shinobi present.

Sakura wants to protest, wants to argue that her self-injury is _hers_ and no one else's, but since she's not willing to give it up completely she has no ground to stand on. 

They assure her that group therapy is anonymous- it occurs in a sealed room with each participant under a henge so no one would ever discover her identity.

Begrudgingly, Sakura agrees, as she realizes she's not entirely sure what she's in for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first fanfiction ever! I'm super excited to share it with you all and I would love any comments or feedback you have. Thank you! <3


	2. Chapter 2

Itachi has been caught mutilating himself.

It’s a rookie mistake, the kind he- as a seasoned shinobi and a member of ANBU- should know better than.

He’s always meticulous- never cutting too deep. Always cleansing, disinfecting, and bandaging the wounds to prevent infection. Using topical creams to minimize scarring when possible. Always wearing long sleeves or bandages as shinobi often do overtop the area.

However, when one of his ANBU team was subbed out at the last minute for another mission and replaced with an Inuzuka, the ninken's note caught the scent of blood coming from Itachi. Despite seeing no sign of injury, the Inuzuka mentioned that detail in his mission report.

(Itachi shouldn't be angry that his ANBU turn in meticulous, detailed reports. That's a good thing. But oh how he wishes that just this once the ANBU had let such a small detail go-!)

After reading the report, the Hokage summons Itachi and demands he go to the hospital immediately. Itachi, forced to the hospital and unable to see the private clan medic he usually sees to treat his wounds, was discovered.

When the medic insists on Itachi’s participation in therapy, he’s blindsided. While normally passive and non-argumentative, this is not something he can allow for a plethora of reasons.

He points out that despite the self-injury his missions and prowess as a shinobi have never been affected. He reminds them that he has a private clan medic that handles his care. He argues for the need of anonymity- both of his status as an ANBU operative and as a prestigious clan heir. He questions how therapy could even be scheduled when he is out of the village so frequently and at odd intervals for missions. He does everything short of beg- and briefly considers lowering himself to do that, too- because talking to a stranger about self-injury is something he desperately does not want.

The medics, however, are relentless. They’re concerned about his mental health and stability- they seem to think he’ll try to get himself killed on a mission if he’s not monitored constantly, when nothing could be farther from the truth.

So he’s ordered- officially ordered, with a D-rank mission scroll like he’s still a genin- to attend a weekly therapy group for self-injury every Thursday at 6 p.m for a minimum of two months, provided an urgent mission doesn’t come up.

As if the process of therapy- of actually having to think about why he self-injures and verbalize it when he doesn’t always know himself- isn’t bad enough, the scroll says group therapy. Group. Even though the scroll details how anonymity will be kept through fuinjutsu and a henge from each participant, Itachi dreads the thought of sharing his greatest shame with a room of strangers.

But, ever the dutiful shinobi, Itachi will attend group therapy. He will put his emotions aside and, at the end of two months, be done with the mission and hopefully return to his normal routine before this lapse.

* * *

Itachi has been self-injuring for so long he can barely remember when he began. What was the trigger, exactly?

After his father took him to the frontlines of the war at the age of four and he stared out at complete devastation, ruin and bodies and blood? After the academy drilled _‘shinobi are unfeeling shinobi are unfeeling shinobi are unfeeling’_ so deep into him that he fears he can never truly feel again? After his father began forcibly separating him from Sasuke- the only truly good thing in his life- and it seemed as if there was nothing left?

Whatever it was, Itachi has long since turned to self-injury as a way to feel. As a way to remind him that he’s still human. When the soul-staining ANBU missions start to pile up and he knows he should be feeling something- grief, anger, guilt, _anything_ but this pervasive numbness- taking a blade to his skin reminds him that he’s more than just a tool for the village. That he’s more than just the Uchiha clan heir and one day head.

That he’s still human, merely a man and just as mortal and fallible as everyone else.

Besides feeling something, Itachi likes the process of cleaning the wounds afterward. He has no idea how to take care of himself emotionally and this cleansing of wounds provides a passing semblance for it, as well as the physical care he never received as a child.

(He briefly imagines his mother bandaging his wounds as tenderly as he does before forcing the image away.)

If only he had a more socially acceptable destructive coping habit, he thinks. Shinobi diving into alcohol or drugs, reckless sex, and even gambling is all normal enough in their world- just look at the Godaime Hokage, for instance.

And yet, despite the fact that self-injury only harms himself and it doesn’t have the drawbacks of other coping methods like alcohol weakening his perceptiveness or the complications meaningless sex gives, the way Itachi chooses to cope is somehow _wrong._

He works in a profession that literally kills people for a living: a few non-lethal wounds seem like a small price to pay for some semblance of sanity in comparison, but apparently he is mistaken.

* * *

Itachi’s self-injury can’t be truly considered without also considering his sickness.

When he first performed his clan’s katon jutsu at the age of 5 to his father’s immense satisfaction, he is fine for a moment before he suddenly can’t breathe.

At the hospital, they learn he was born with a heart defect that allows unoxygenated blood to circulate through his system. When under great cardiovascular strain, his system will always feel short of air. At present, there is nothing the medics can do.

Sometimes Itachi doesn’t immediately go see a medic after missions just to allow the satisfaction of his lungs burning for a while. Unlike self-injury, the pain is constant, as he heaves in each breath. Black spots dart across his vision and the simple act of breathing leaves him where he can barely stand, but it is a glaring reminder that ' _i’m alive i’m alive i’m alive.'_

Perhaps he also doesn't see a medic out of guilt as well. Itachi has been trained to be better, faster, stronger than everyone else since he was a mere infant and yet, he will never be the perfect shinobi. Despite knowing that emotions can only hinder performance, he knows that no matter what he does, he will always love his little brother. He will always have a defected heart. He will always fall short in one way or another. He will always deserve this.

(But is there anyone that can truly embody the idea of the perfect shinobi- and stay sane while doing it?)

And this, this wanting so badly to be unfeeling and at the same time fearing being emotionless, is slowly driving him mad. Coupled with the guilt he experiences when he does actually manage to feel something- shinobi are supposed to be unfeeling but he isn't and _he can't be a bad shinobi-!_ \- self-injury is the only thing that allows Itachi to return to a euthymic medium, to some passing veneer of sanity.

However, he never allows his personal failings to interfere with a mission, and always makes sure his lungs are in the best condition they can be before he leaves the village. He will now do the same to his mind, even if he dreads the upcoming appointment. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Made a slight change, past chapters have therapy happening under a genjutsu, it's been updated so that they now happen under henge instead, everything else is the same and it shouldn't impact the fic!

Sakura sighs as she flits down the hospital steps. She loves her job, but it seems impossible for her to leave on time. A patient or a colleague would always stop to chat and while she usually indulged them, today she couldn’t- it was the first day of her new group therapy and she didn't want to be late.

She was nervous. 

(Who wouldn’t be nervous?)

She's a far cry from the girl she was all those years ago. She's a jounin, a member of ANBU, and the Hokage's apprentice. She's one of the best medic-nin in the world and can punch down mountains with her fist. She's one of the only people in the world who has mastered the strength of a hundred and byakugou seals and thus essentially cannot be killed in combat.

She is needed in the village. Her medical work is important and saves lives. She is strong now, so much stronger than she was back then.

Beneath all of that, however, remains the little girl who team 7 left behind, the girl who could only helplessly watch as her parents fought, the girl who Kabuto- no. _No._ She pushes the thought out of her head.

She might be strong now, but she was weak once, and it's something she's unlikely to ever forget the feeling of.

And discussing her biggest weakness in front of a stranger- possibly multiple strangers, depending on how many nin showed up- makes her shudder. 

But she told Tsunade-shishou she would try, so here she is. 

* * *

Sakura lingers outside the room before entering to make sure her henge is in place and her chakra hidden. She makes her distinctive pink locks appear a dull blonde and her eyes a tinted brown. After a few other changes, like altering her facial features lightly, she feels prepared to enter, or as ready as she'll ever be.

As she walks in, she notes the fuinjutsu silencing seals throughout the room and approves. Glad they’re thinking of privacy. 

She scans through the room, noting the coffee and donuts on a table in the back and the scattering of uncomfortable-looking metal chairs before landing on the room's occupants. 

The first is an older woman, clearly a civilian. She wears a floral blouse, round glasses, and a small smile. The slight graying of her hair and wrinkling around her face only serves to make her appear that more friendly. Despite never meeting her own, the woman instantly reminds Sakura of a grandmother.

The second, though-

The second makes her hackles rise purely on instinct. 

He’s clearly a shinobi and a powerful one at that, despite being under a henge.

He’s tall and dressed in standard jounin gear. He has short brown hair, pale blue eyes, and all in all, looks perfectly average. 

His eyes track her movements as she enters and, after appearing to determine that she isn’t a threat, return to the floor in front of him.

“Shinobi-san,” the older woman calls out, “please come in and have a seat! I’m afraid for this group it will just be the two of you so we can go ahead and get started. Feel free to help yourself to any of the snacks or coffee in the back as well, dearie.” 

With the woman smiling at her and the man avidly avoiding eye contact, Sakura slowly makes her way into the room. It takes everything in her not to turn and run as she walks over to the back table. She doesn’t need a donut, but she will help herself to the slightly stale looking coffee. After a full day at the hospital, she needs to be alert here and careful about how much information she gives away. 

Trekking over with her coffee, she sits next to the woman and across from the other shinobi. 

“Now then, let’s get started, shall we! I’m Satō-san and I’ll be leading your group therapy sessions. As you know, this is a group for jounin ranked or higher adult shinobi that self-injure. I’ve been treating patients- both shinobi and civilian- of all kinds for over twenty years. We’ll meet once a week for eight weeks and then, depending on how things go, I’ll make a recommendation to the Hokage on whether you need additional treatment or not. 

"Any questions so far?”

Sakura shakes her head slowly while the man across from her continues to keep his eyes to the ground. She can imagine how he’s feeling- while she's hopeful about the possibility of "getting better", she doesn’t exactly _want_ to be here either. 

Still, the therapist seems nice enough, and Sakura decides to make an effort to be friendly even if she’s unsettled.

“Good, good. Now one more thing- I want to emphasize that this is an anonymous group therapy to protect your careers. I have a basic copy of each of your files with all classified and personal information blacked out, so not even I know who you both are outside of your disguises! As such, everything said here will be confidential, and I expect it to stay between this room's occupants. Is that clear?”

Sakura nods her head. Satō eyes the man in front of her until he too gives one quick nod. 

“Now then, let’s introduce ourselves! Would you like to start, dearie?” she asks, looking at Sakura. 

_Why me?_ Sakura innerly disparages. _Just because I'm a woman? Or because I smiled once? Then again, I guess it's better than that grouch over there starting._

"How do I start?" Sakura asks. "Like how I've seen on television- I stand up, give you my name, and say that I'm an alcoholic, or something?"

Despite the man across from her's stoic expression, she sees an eyebrow twitch and thinks he might be amused by her comment.

Satō starts laughing. "Oh, no, dearie, nothing quite that dramatic I'm afraid," she says once she catches her breath. "First, since this is an anonymous group, you both can pick something other than your name to be called. Just tell us what to call you and a little bit about yourself."

Sakura takes a deep breath in and out. How much should she reveal? How much will the man across from her? 

_Fuck it_ , Inner says. _You've never been a coward before, don't start now._

This is all supposed to be for her benefit and as long as she's vague enough it should be alright. Her chakra control is flawless and her henge looks nothing like her. With the silencing seals throughout the room, she is as safe in her false identity as possible.

"You can both call me... Flower. As you both know, I'm a jounin. I'm also in ANBU. And I'm a medic-nin."

_Flower, really? You couldn't come up with a better offshoot of your name than_ Flower _?_

For the first time, the man across from her meets her eyes as he studies her. Admitting she's a medic-nin gives away more of her identity than she'd like but she's not worried. While true medic-nin are rare, every ANBU squad has a member technically classified as a medic and he's unlikely to figure out her identity just from that one detail. It's not like she said, "Hi, I'm the Hokage's apprentice, nice to meet you!" She isn't that stupid, thankfully. (Usually.)

"A medic-nin, that's lovely, Flower-san! Tell us a little bit more- what is your family like? What do you like to do in your free time?"

Satō might think she's starting off light, but the question about family hits too close to home and Sakura's heart clenches.

"Just Flower is fine, please. I'm an only child. I actually haven't seen my parents in over a year, even though they also live in the village, for reasons I'd prefer not to talk about right now. In my spare time, I like to volunteer at the hospital and read."

"Thank you for sharing that with us, Flower," Satō says with a gentle smile. She turns to the man across from her and asks, "How about you, dearie?"

The man across from her hesitates for so long Sakura wonders if he's going to say anything. Right as Sakura's about to step in and say something- she doesn't owe the man anything but she's uncomfortable too and wants to help- he begins speaking.

"You may both refer to me as Weasel. It is nice to meet you both, Flower-san and Satō-san," he says while nodding politely at both of them. "I, too, am a jounin. I'm also an ANBU captain."

An ANBU captain? Wow. _Wow._ No wonder her heckles were raised when she first took saw him. The man across from her, calm as he is now, is definitely a dangerous shinobi and Sakura's briefly glad they're both on the same side.

After hesitating for a brief pause, he continues. "I have one younger sibling whom I love very much. I live with my parents. I have very little free time, but when I do, I, too, enjoy reading, and also training with my cousin."

"Wonderful, wonderful!" Satō exclaims. "Thank you for sharing that with us, Weasel-san. I'm delighted to help two obviously important and strong protectors of the village. Now, we're going to tackle a different topic each week. Tonight was mostly reserved for introductions and meeting each other- but we are going to begin with one thing.

"Similar to Flower's statement about alcoholism earlier," and at this point, Weasel looks across and directly at her, "I want you both to say that you self-injure. You don't have to say that you have a problem with self-injury, or that you want to recover, or anything along those lines- this is only the first session and it's likely that none of that is entirely true. I merely want you to state aloud that you self-injure to the group."

She looks at Sakura again and Sakura resigns herself to being the first one to talk throughout group therapy. 

She takes a deep breath, opens her mouth and- stops. 

Sakura knows she self-injures. She knows that everyone in the room knows she self-injures. She even knows that the man across from her, a fellow jounin and ANBU and possibly even someone she's worked with, self-injures. She's at group therapy for people who self-injure, for heaven's sake. 

So why can't she spit it out?

"It can be difficult," Satō interrupts her thought process with an understanding look, "to be so vulnerable. Isn't that right?"

"Yes," Sakura says, nodding slowly. "Especially as a shinobi- as a kunoichi- I'm taught to always keep my weaknesses hidden so they can't be used against me. Actually, I'm taught not to have weaknesses at all, but that if I do, to keep them hidden."

"It's human nature to have weaknesses, dearie. While out in the field, it may sometimes feel like you don't have weaknesses- like you're pushed them all away- but everyone has a weakness. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

Weaknesses being nothing to be ashamed of. Huh. That's not something she hears very often. 

"Yeah. I've never actually told anyone before now that... that I self-injure. In fact, apart from you both, the only other person that knows is the, uh, superior who noticed and mandated that I get treatment. I think it's easier to tell you since you don't know who I am, actually."

"Sometimes it's easier to be vulnerable with complete strangers than it is to be with our best friends," Satō says wisely. "Well, now you have. You've told two people- and yourself- that you self-injure and we're here to support you." Satō smiles at her and Sakura smiles tentatively back.

"How about you, Weasel-san?"

Sakura's eyes had been on Satō while they discussed vulnerability, but now as she looks at Weasel, she can see the tension in his frame.

Satō prods him again. "Weasel-san?"

"I self-injure," he mutters quietly, tense and staring at the floor. Just from physical appearances, it looks like it's incredibly difficult for him to admit, and Sakura can't imagine how he feels inside. She doesn't think he'll say anymore when he surprises her and asks, "What did you mean earlier, Satō-san? About it being easier with strangers than with our friends?"

"Well, with our friends and other people close to us, we worry about what they might think of us. We don't want to do anything to change their perception of us. If a relationship is strong enough, it should be able to withstand sharing our truths. Unfortunately, that's not always the case, especially with topics as delicate as self-injury.

"Now, with Flower and I, you just met us. You have no involvement or emotional connection with us apart from what we've shared tonight. If we rejected you for your self-injury, it would be easy for you to justify that we don't matter and brush it off. But what if someone was rejected for their self-injury by someone closer to them- a family member, a friend, a lover? That relationship is much more valuable. It has time and effort put into it and an emotional connection. Losing that relationship would likely be difficult and it's often easier to say nothing and keep the status quo, so to speak, than risking that.

"That's why it can be difficult to share hard things with the people that we love and easier to share hard things with strangers, as paradoxical as it sounds. With strangers, there's no risk involved. Does that make sense, dearie?"

Weasel nods slowly. "It does. Thank you for your input, Satō-san. Like Flower-san, I am here because of the discovery of a medic. However, my cousin also... discovered that I self-injure. I do not wish to elaborate further. I appreciate your wisdom and will take time to consider it."

Sakura, meanwhile, has a hard time keeping a straight face through this interaction. Despite being empathetic and even wanting to help him earlier, Sakura had been silently judging him in her head, even going so far as to call him a grouch. And for what?

Sure, he may have the straightest face she's ever seen and not be very talkative. He still answered every question when asked and even elaborated on his own for the last question!

She couldn't have a better participant in group therapy with her, she decides. He's uncomfortable but still making an effort and that's all that matters. Sakura silently promises to be patient with him even when he seems reticent in her head. She suspects this is why Satō has been asking her to speak first, actually- that it was likely easier for Weasel to open up after she did first.

"Thank you for sharing that with us, Weasel-san, Flower," Satō says. She's quiet for a moment, letting the atmosphere mellow out before clapping her hands together and exclaiming, "Well, I think that was a great first day of group! We're all introduced and can be ready to start tackling the heavy stuff next week. You both did tremendously and were courageous in speaking about hard things. I expect to see you both here at the same time next week. Remember, everything that happened here stays between us and if you need immediate help in the meantime to head to the hospital. Have a wonderful week!"

Weasel immediately stands and bows politely to her and Satō. "It is a pleasure to meet you both, Satō-san, Flower-san. Satō-san, thank you for having me in your care."

Before either woman can respond, he vanishes into thin air with a pile of smoke remaining behind. 

"Oh! I never will get used to shinobi doing that!" Satō mutters as she coughs and swats away the dust. Sakura bats it away with practiced ease, much to Satō's pleasure.

"Thank you, dearie! Now, I have errands to run and have to skedaddle, but I'll see you next week!" Satō says as she waves and leaves. 

Sakura, still in the same chair from therapy and alone now, puts her head in her hands and groans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1). I'm on tumblr now! Come find me: elise-writes
> 
> 2). I'm also working on a playlist for this fic, any ideas??
> 
> 3). What did you guys think?!? Thoughts? Comments? It's because of all the lovely comments you all left previously that I hurried to get this done!
> 
> 4). I was originally trying to update every two weeks, it'll likely now be once a month for a little while, sorry guys! COVID has turned my world upside down for the moment but luckily I'm doing okay. Please stay safe everyone! Wash your hands!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Despite this fic discussing self-injury, it is in no way meant to substitute professional advice. Please seek the advice of a healthcare professional if you have concerns about self-injury.

Even though he'll be under henge, Itachi smooths and straightens himself in the mirror before him until not a hair is out of place.

Perfection is a hard habit to grow out of.

He wonders how this week will go. Last week seemed fine, but they also didn't have to discuss anything heavy, as the therapist put it.

Satō seems nice enough, at least, though he wonders how much someone like her- civilian, older, clearly happy- could ever understand someone like him.

He couldn't get a read on Flower, which is disappointing. He almost instinctively brushes her off because of her ridiculous pseudonym- what strong shinobi would choose to be called Flower?- before remembering he told them to call him Weasel, which isn't much better.

Kunoichi are often looked down upon as being weaker than male shinobi. Itachi knows this isn't true- the Godaime Hokage is quite possibly the strongest person alive. Still, he finds he has to fight against an internalized prejudice to look down upon her. While few shinobi are at Itachi's level, the kunoichi that sits across from him in group is a jounin and skilled enough to be a member of ANBU, evidence enough of her skill.

He detests living in a world with prejudice- where women are perceived as weaker than men, where clan shinobi are often considered inherently better than civilian-born shinobi. It's a catch-22, because many women and civilian-born shinobi understandably don't want to try and fight their way through a system that tells them they're weak or lesser, which only reinforces the idea.

The sheer number of times he's heard such collective ridiculousness is astounding- from his father and other clan members, from fellow jounin and other ANBU members, to even Academy students bullying other children for their background. Itachi has never bought into such notions and does his best to make sure Sasuke doesn't either, but sometimes he fails. 

He once heard the phrase, "The first thought that goes through your mind is what you have been conditioned to think; what you think next defines who you are." Itachi isn't sure he agrees completely, but it provides a comfort nonetheless, and he knows he'll keep fighting for change in the shinobi system in any way he can.

He sighs and checks his hair once more before disappearing. 

* * *

Itachi sits alone in the group therapy room, arriving a few minutes early as he tends to do. 

He's alone with his thoughts until Flower strolls in. He takes a minute to study her and learn what he can. While she's under henge and most features aren't discernable, he notes that she is wearing scrubs- likely do to her status as a medical shinobi, perhaps she works at the hospital as well as in the field- and that her gait is graceful, smooth, silent. While confident in his ability, he knows better than to underestimate an opponent from mere appearances alone and wonders how her shinobi skills match up to his. 

Lost in his thoughts as she takes the seat across from him, he's surprised when she begins to talk.

"What you said last week, about your cousin finding out about you? I had forgotten about it until then, but I had a friend who also... found out about mine."

Itachi initially wonders why she's speaking with him. Their therapist isn't here so it can't have to do with their therapy objectives. Why would she share such a thing, unprompted? Is she trying to lure him into a false sense of security? Talk about something they have in common in effort to extract information from him?

It takes him a moment to remember that here- in their secrecy- she's unaware of his identity. She's not trying to talk to him as the heir to the Uchiha family or the famed ANBU captain. She's just speaking to him like she would to any other person.

While it's not a huge revelation, Itachi feels his world tilt off-axis for a moment.

Has he always been this bitter and jaded? _Probably._ Still- when is the last time he spoke to someone who isn't a teammate or an Uchiha? Is he so arrogant that he thinks himself above others?

No. Itachi has always firmly believed that while shinobi skillsets and abilities may differ, the determination to serve the Will of Fire is what's paramount. Despite his praises and his father's comments growing up, he knows that he was simply born into a position of privilege and isn't inherently better or worse than anyone else. So why does he react like this?

Perhaps it's because she's the first person to talk to him that doesn't want something from him in a very long time.

Girls have always flocked to him, chasing after his family status, especially now that he's of marrying age. The few times he deigns to go out for a drink with Shisui, shinobi settle up to him, trying to find a way into his famed ANBU squad. Even within his own family, outside of Shisui and Sasuke, he is usually only approached when something is required of him. It's an exhausting, lonely existence.

Forced to grow up too fast, he's never had a friend other than Shisui. Could this be a chance to make another friend? Another friend that doesn't care about his surname or his status, that just cares about him as an individual?

He decides to proceed cautiously and slowly asks, "Your friend didn't take it very well, I gather?"

He desperately hopes he doesn't offend her with his question. It's been too long a pause since she first spoke and it's about a sensitive subject matter, though she did bring it up first. Itachi hates that one of his few weaknesses are interpersonal relations and wishes for a moment that he was less awkward of an individual.

"No, she didn't. She was my closest friend at the time. When she... found out, though it's a little more complicated than that, she ended our friendship."

Itachi's silent as he takes in what she's told him. He thinks of Shisui, who after finding out about his self-mutilation habit was annoying, yes, but who also tries hard to be supportive. He can't imagine what life would be like without him.

"Why? Did she want you to... stop?" That's always Shisui's largest complaint.

"No, no, she said that... that she couldn't handle it. That she was sorry but the thought of someone doing what I do intentionally was too much for her."

He thinks of what he would do if Shisui, after finding out, deemed him too much and left.He's surprised at the pang of empathy he feels for her. "I'm sorry."

"No, don't be! It's fine. Well actually, it's not really fine. It hurt. But we had just graduated from the academy and were practically still children. She was young and had never heard of that before and was scared. We both probably could have handled it better and I wish things had been different, but it's hard to hate her for it when I can sort of understand it. You know?"

No, Itachi doesn't know. He's never claimed to have more than one friend in his life, but he does know that he would do anything for Shisui. Even when they were children and barely able to understand the world around them, Itachi has always been there for him and knows Shisui would do the same for him.

It bothers him that her friend knew and did nothing. Even if he discovered one of his subordinates was self-injuring and didn't think he was the best person to discuss it with- Itachi's not exactly the best person to go to with emotional problems- he would still do something. Report them to a medic to get help. Find a way to tip off someone closer to the subordinate so they could get help. He wouldn't just walk away without taking action.

Right as Itachi's about to convey his disagreement, though, the therapist bursts through the doors, apologizing for her tardiness.

Itachi sits back and ruminates on what he's learned through his head.

First, the woman across from him seems to truly not desire anything from him other than friendship. Through the layers of anonymity, he can trust her at least slightly. While he still doesn't _want_ to be here, Itachi can admit that they have a lot in common and that he's interested in tentatively pursuing some sort of friendship with her. He doesn't know how it will work without knowing the other's identity, but with six weeks of meetings left, perhaps he can figure something out. It's odd for him, both the prospect of trying to form a friendship and the fact that he actually _wants_ something, neither of which are normal occurrences for him.

Second, this conversation made him aware of just how grateful he is to Shisui. He's always appreciated his relationship with his older cousin, but to think about how Shisui stayed when her friend didn't is sobering.

Lastly, after considering how he would potentially support a subordinate who self-injured by turning them in, the last dredges of bitterness Itachi feels about being forced into therapy is gone. It would be hypocritical to be resentful when he, too, would make the same decision his superiors did.

* * *

Itachi listens as Satō welcomes them and makes small-talk with the woman across from him about how their weeks were before clapping her hands together.

"Alright, I'm glad to see you both here again this week! Now that we've got introductions out of the way and know each other a bit, let's get down to the meat of it- why we self-injure.

“I want to start by talking about the science behind self-injury. A lot of folks come to me not understanding why they hurt themselves and thinking that they must be the only person on the planet who does. Well, that's simply not true. Humans have been hurting themselves since ancient times for all sorts of reasons, whether it’s to participate in religious ceremonies or to mark themselves as members of a group. Self-injury is not a new phenomenon. Nowadays, while there are exceptions, researchers have discovered most self-injury derives from one of two primary reasons.

“The first reason is called hyperstress (1). Simply put, hyperstress happens when someone is feeling hyper-sensitive and overwhelmed. Sometimes a great many thoughts can be swirling around in the mind and become confused and tangled. Hyperstress can stem from all kinds of emotions- sadness, anger, anxiety, fear, and distress only name a few those.

“When someone is experiencing hyperstress, there is often a 'trigger' that pushes an individual towards self-injury. This trigger can be large or even seem like a small, trivial thing, but after stress and the desire to self-injure has been building up, it’s often the final thing that pushes someone over the edge to self-injure. Other times, an individual can make a decision to stop the overwhelming feelings by self-injuring, even without a specific trigger occurring.

“The second reason is called dissociation (2). This is when someone feels detachment- from their life, their body, or their emotions. They might feel numb or unfeeling, even going so far as to feel separate from reality when this happens. Dissociation can happen for a lot of reasons, but it primarily occurs as a response to extreme stress, trauma, or abuse. Dissociation is a way the mind protects itself by slipping away from the stressful stimuli. It can even become an automatic response and be done without thinking.

“When dissociating, there can be a triggering event like mentioned above that precedes self-injury, but there doesn’t have to be. Sometimes the person dissociating recognizes that they don’t feel real and thus creates a strong reaction- like self-injury- as a way to “wake up”, regain control, or feel real again.

“There can be other primary reasons, and countless secondary reasons, that lead to self-injury, but hyperstress and dissociation are the primary precursors.

“Make sense so far?”

Itachi nods slowly as he watches the woman across from him do the same, both taking time to ingest the information.

“Good! Now that we’ve talked about the why’s behind self-injury, let’s talk about how it works.

“With hyperstress, causing physical pain can help cope with emotional pain. During certain situations, like when the body is exercising or hurt, the brain releases chemicals called endorphins, which are “feel good chemicals”. Endorphins naturally activate the brain’s opiate receptors, causing a pain-relieving effect. These endorphins surge and help relieve pain, including emotional pain. It’s very similar to when people use drugs, alcohol, or even sex to cope with emotional distress- all release endorphins and other chemicals called neurotransmitters in your brain to cause the same pain-relief effect.

“With dissociation, endorphins and other neurotransmitters still do the same thing and cause a pain-relieving effect. Instead of helping cope with emotional pain, though, these “feel-good” brain chemicals help lift an individual out of their dissociation or numbness by helping them to feel something.

"Okay, now that we all have a better understanding of the science behind self-injury, let's talk about why we ourselves self-injure. Flower, would you like to go first?" Satō asks, looking at the woman across from him. 

It takes her a few moments before she begins. "Thank you for explaining that, Satō-san. As a medic, I knew about how endorphins worked when exercising or responding to an injury, but I didn't know how self-injury worked. I just knew that hurting made me feel better. I always thought I was just a freak or something."

Satō smiles at her. "Responding to pain in a way that works doesn't make you a freak, dearie. Pain is a universal experience. I'm just here to see if we can figure out a healthier method for you to cope together. Can you tell me some of what you're feeling before you self-injure?"

Itachi watches her take several deep breaths before she seems to steel herself. "I don't know, a lot? I think about all the things my dad used to say, about how I was a disappointment. I think about watching him hurt her and being unable to do anything about it. I think about my team leaving me and my sensei never thinking I was enough. I think about how I'm not enough, how I'll never be enough. How I'm so far from where I used to be and yet I still feel like a helpless child. How much I hate myself. How if I was better, my patients wouldn't die. Just... everything, I guess."

The amount of sheer pain on her visage as she admitted to all of that without stopping, without crying, is unsettling. She said all of that aloud as if it were fact, as if it didn't bother her.  
  
"Oh, dearie. While we're just talking about the causes of self-injury tonight and talking about coping methods another night, I want you to think logically when you're feeling like this. Everyone dies. No matter how good of a medic you are, you can't save everyone, and death is one of the few certainties in this world. I can't speak about your father and your team- though we'll delve further into those at later date- but when you're doubting yourself like you are, think- would they allow you to be a medic if you were as disappointing as you say you are? No! They would revoke your license. That alone tells me that you are good at what you do. As both a medic and a shinobi, you're performing important, life-saving duties to the village. It's difficult to remember that when you're in pain, but I want you to remember that, okay, Flower?"

Her voice is barely a whisper. "Yes, Satō-san. Thank you."

The therapist turns to him. "What about you, Weasel-san? What usually goes through your head before you self-injure?"

This is torture. This, admitting to this weakness and personal failing in front of others, is sheer torture. He would rather Ibiki physically torture him than endure this.

But he is a good shinobi. The mission scroll requires him to be here, and he will do his absolute best, no matter how uncomfortable he is. The fact that Flower also spoke about this helps him slightly.

"I think of how I cannot feel anything. How I have been trained to not feel anything. While feeling alarms me, not feeling anything alarms me more. That any cost is worth it to break out of this monotony."

"What makes you feel that monotony, do you think?"

For once, Itachi doesn't think about his words beforehand, weighing the meaning and consequences behind them. He just speaks. "Having to be the best. Never resting. Returning to the village coated in blood, numb to the lives I have taken behind a mask. How the red in my ledger grows and I am praised for it, despite my distaste for it. Having to keep my emotions from showing around my family, my father in particular. How tired I am of it all."

Satō smiles sadly at him and Itachi looks away, not wanting to see the pity or whatever else hides in her gaze. "I cannot imagine the burden you bear in service of the village, Weasel-san."

"I think we've made a lot of progress tonight," she begins quietly. "Flower, it sounds like hyperstress is the reason behind your self-injury. We'll work more on the feelings behind hyperstress and identifying possible triggers in the upcoming weeks. Weasel-san, your self-injury appears to stem from dissociation. We'll work more on recognizing dissociation and what causes it in upcoming meetings. All of us will work on coping strategies and alternatives to self-injury together. For now, I'm pleased to understand the causes behind your self-injury, and this will help me to plan the sessions in the upcoming weeks. Do either of you have questions or anything you'd like to say?"

Itachi nods his head as the woman across from him looks up with a small smile. "No, just... thanks again, Satō-san."

"Of course, dearie. Now, if you're both feeling alright, let's go ahead and end tonight's session. Remember if you need anything over the next week to please head to the hospital and I'll see you both here next week."

Itachi gets up, bows, and vanishes into smoke before he has to say anymore.

* * *

He isn't surprised to see Shisui waiting for him outside the clan compound.

Shisui is the only person apart from the Hokage and the medics that know of Itachi’s participation in group therapy. When he had found him on a training field after getting the order, unusually agitated and trying to work it out of his system, Shisui had wheedled it out of him; he was never very good at saying no to his cousin. Itachi was also aware of how concerned Shisui was about him and hoped this would help to set his mind at ease.

“Yo, Itachi!” Shisui shouts before he shunshins over and puts his arm over his shoulders. More quietly, he asks, “How did it go today?” 

Last week, Shisui had also been here, waiting to ask him how therapy went. He'd been annoyed and agitated, ready to go home where he didn't have to think about it anymore, and told Shisui he would see him at training before leaving him by the gates.

As he thinks back to Flower's friend who left her after discovering her secret, he feels more patient than usual.

“It... went well.”

Shock flashes across Shisui’s expression before it settles into a blinding grin.“That’s great, man.”

“Hn.”

Shisui is usually loud and demanding and not always polite in his inquiries, so when he asks, “Do you want to tell me about it?” uncharacteristically gently, Itachi takes note and again feels that pang of gratitude to his best friend.

“...not yet. Perhaps another time. Shisui?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for supporting me in this.”

The smile on his cousin’s face is warm with affection and thaws a little bit of the permafrost stuck around Itachi's heart.

“Always, Itachi. Always. Now, enough of that, let’s go eat some dango!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the long, scientific explanation for those of you who knew this already or were bored by it. (It’s what I wish someone would have told me.) If you don’t know much about self-injury, I hope this helps explain it a little and perhaps makes you look into it more. 
> 
> Didn't realize how triggering writing about this would be, yikes. Still glad I'm doing it.
> 
> The explanations of hyperstress (1) and dissociation (2) are taken directly from LifeSIGNS (Self-Injury Guidance and Network Support) and as accurate as possible, found at: http://www.lifesigns.org.uk/precursors-to-self-injury/


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1). CAUTION: This chapter contains graphic imagery of a character cutting herself and alludes to family issues and past abuse. It also mentions seduction missions, sex, and hypersexuality as a response to trauma. It is by far the most intense yet. PLEASE make sure you’re in a good headspace and read with caution!
> 
> 2). Dedicating this chapter to the one Guest reviewer on FF who mentioned putting depression into words and how that helps in their comment. I was once an angsty teen reading anything I could get my hands on about depression, too. I'm now a semi-angsty young adult, but I'm truly glad I hung in there all those years and am still around today. You (or anyone reading this) are more than welcome to message me on FF, AO3, tumblr, or email me (links are in my bio) if you ever need to talk. Lots of love.

Sakura wasn’t having the best week. 

Actually, it was quickly becoming a _horrible_ week.

It started when she discussed Ino’s dismissal of their friendship in group with Weasel. She wasn’t sure why she felt compelled to bring it up, especially when they hadn’t even been talking about anything before. But after hearing him speak of his cousin the week before, the idea that someone could understand her- relate to her- was tempting.

Ino had been Sakura’s best friend growing up and Sakura always thought nothing could change that. When they fought against each other in the chunin exams, however, that all changed.

* * *

"Ino-chan!" Sakura excitedly called out as she saw her friend, momentarily forgetting about their rivalry or nicknames or anything else.

Sakura had faced Ino in the preliminary round of the chunin exams and, in a double knockout, neither would be advancing to the next round.

Sakura was slightly disappointed with the result- both boys on her team were advancing and she wasn't- but she was mostly pleased. She was able to stand on equal ground as a kunoichi to Ino- her longest friend, her childhood savior from bullies, and everything Sakura looked up to in a kunoichi. She was also able to kick Ino out of her mind during Ino's mind-transfer jutsu, something that she gathered from comments around her had never been done before. Lastly, she was also relieved- as excited to progress in her kunoichi career as she was, Sakura also knew she was far from ready to be a chunin, and this would hopefully give her the time she needed to get her skills into shape. 

"Sakura," Ino muttered awkwardly, as Sakura ran up and embraced Ino. "Can we talk?"

"Of course, Ino-pig," Sakura replied before following Ino slightly away from the members of Team 8.

She wasn't sure why Ino looked so awkward- did Ino think she was mad at her?- but she found out soon enough.

"Sakura," Ino began delicately, looking away. "I saw the inside of your head during the mind transfer jutsu. I know. About the scars on your arm, I mean."

"Oh..." Sakura trailed off. She had honestly never thought this day would come. Sakura was careful with the secrecy of her self-injury. Of course she would be found out by something she couldn't account for, like a mind transfer jutsu.

"Sakura, look, I love you, but I can't be friends with someone that cuts themself on purpose."

"Wh- what?" Sakura managed to get out.

"I don't know how to... I don't want to constantly be worrying about you, okay? I won't tell anyone, and if you ever stop, we can start hanging out again. But I just can't be apart of this. Okay? You understand, right?"

Sakura nodded slowly as she had no clue what else to do as Ino, looking relieved, walked away. 

It felt like the world was falling from underneath her feet.

Ino, her only friend, didn't want her anymore because of these ugly marks on her arm.

And it was all her fault.

Sakura hadn't even had time to tell Ino that she would stop- that Sakura had never had a reason _not_ to hurt herself before, but if it bothered Ino that much she would, she really would- before Ino just left like Sakura was nothing.

Sakura was _sinking sinking sinking_ as over the next month she saw neither hide nor hair of her team, leaving her to wallow in depression from the loss of her match but more importantly, the loss of her friend.

* * *

Talking about it with Weasel did help slightly, even if she didn’t get into the specifics for privacy reasons. It was nice to know that she wasn't alone in the difficulties of maintaining friendships while hiding the secret of self-injury and she was able to get it off her chest.

But now all of those memories that Sakura thought she had buried and left behind her were suddenly at the forefront of her mind again. 

It was distressing, recalling Ino’s sudden abandonment and wondering if other people found out if they would also leave her. It had her anxious and melancholy all week.

Then, Tsunade assigned her to a seduction mission. It was hardly Sakura’s first seduction mission or brush with sex- those memories were firmly locked away as well- but it was still unpleasant.

The small village was less than a day’s travel away. Sakura successfully seduced her client all too easily, got the information she needed, and was home within the week.

Even though she knew she had had much more difficult seduction missions in the past- missions that were much more critical for the safety of Konoha and the Land of Fire- it had still rubbed her the wrong way. 

Sakura had two typical reactions in the aftermath of a seduction mission. She would either not want anyone to touch her or she would become hypersexual and immediately seek out sex. She wasn’t sure what exactly caused her to feel either as she bounced back and forth frequently between the two and she didn’t really care as long as something made her feel better after those sorts of missions.

Walking away from the Hokage’s office where she had just turned in her report, Sakura was on her way home as she thought about the shower she would take before heading out to the local shinobi bar and hopefully finding someone to take her home for the night.

She cut through the market, still thinking ahead and planning her evening, and she almost missed him. 

She might be lost in her own head after a seduction mission and more relaxed within the walls of her village than she would normally be, but Sakura is a jounin level shinobi and she almost missed him.

Him, the man she had become a ninja because of so that he could never hurt her.

The flash of pink hair atop the man’s head who was standing outside the market stall was all Sakura needed to see before she felt the adrenaline rushing in and her instincts kick into overdrive.

Pink hair was an unusual hair color, and apart from herself, only one person in the village that she knew of also possessed it- her father.

Despite being trained for this, despite knowing what she would do if it was a potential enemy or rogue shinobi, she faltered as the panic of seeing him again so unexpectedly rose in her.

All she knew was that she had to get away from him. Get away from him like she had before, as quickly and as silently as possible.

Sakura turned in the other direction and all but ran to the other side of the market plaza, nigh silent and looking over her shoulder every few seconds.

He didn’t seem to have noticed her. She had made it to the other side of the market. He wasn’t there. He couldn’t hurt her.

Suddenly, the world seemed to be spinning entirely too fast around her.

She couldn’t breathe- she felt her lungs inhale and exhale rapidly, but for some reason the air didn't help and she couldn't breathe-!

At the same time, her stomach filled with an iron sense of dread, keeping her firmly locked in place, even as her legs shook and her knees wobbled.

Sakura barely had any idea of what was happening around her; only that it was all too much and she was in pain, throbbing with neon hurt running like electricity through her veins, and that she needed to make everything _stop stop stop_. 

Pulling herself together enough to make it over to the public restroom, she locked the door behind her before leaning back against it and sliding down down down to the floor. 

She couldn't breathe and she couldn't move and suddenly she was a small, helpless child again, watching as her father violently struck her mother and unable to do anything about it. The panic was unbearable.

She scrambled frantically, searching her pockets until a kunai was in her hand. Without another thought, she drew the blade down her arm and as the skin broke open, the pain from the cut broke through the haze of the cataclysm going on inside her head. 

She tore at herself again and again, until the stinging of her flesh was so great she could no longer focus on the world around her.

Her arm ached and hurt and burned as she cut until nothing else remained. Until there was nothing left but hurt.

Finally, she allowed the knife to fall away from her, still collapsed on the ground, her entire world reduced solely to the pain on her arm.

Time passed by- how much, she had no idea- as she let it hurt.

Slowly, still focused on the pain, Sakura found her breath returning to her as her surroundings returned to her.

She reached up and felt the tears she had been previously unaware of as they fell down her face. Her leg muscles protested as she sat up, sore from where they had tensed up earlier. The ground had been rather filthy and her hands and pants were covered in dirt.

But she could breathe again.

Everything from before- the panic, the hurt and the fear and the _too much too much too much_ \- had faded away when she focused solely on the physical pain. Now, all those overwhelming feelings were gone or had at least faded away into the background again where they belong.

As she slowly pulled herself off the floor, she caught sight of herself in the mirror and fought back a wince. She looked horrible. Her eyes were red and swollen, makeup smudged, hair going in every direction. She sighed as she gathered the cold tap water from the sink in her hands and began trying to remove the dark traces of makeup. After she’d succeeded enough- not completely, as she still somewhat looked like a raccoon with dark smudged around her eyes, but there were no longer blatant mascara tear tracks- she rinsed her eyes until they appeared somewhat normal. She brushed her hair down the best she could before finally turning to her arm.

She had left this part of cleaning herself up for last- in part because she wanted the wounds to bleed for as long as possible as she still felt the calm they brought her and in part because she didn’t want to see the damage she’d done to herself until she couldn’t avoid it any longer.

Looking at it now, it wasn’t terrible. Obviously any self-inflicted wounds weren’t a good thing, but compared to how badly she’d hurt herself in the past, this was nothing too serious.

She could go ahead and heal them, but she wanted to leave the cuts for as long as possible. Looking at them, feeling them sting as they pressed against her shirt sleeve, calmed her. It reminded her that she was okay, that she was the one in control; she _chose_ to inflict these wounds. It was her decision and in her control and it helped.

Looking at the wounds also quieted the parts of her mind that insisted her pain wasn’t real- the parts of her brain that said she was just a cry baby and overdramatic, that nothing serious happened, why couldn’t she just get over it already, and on and on. While it may normally be easy to dismiss or downplay her pain, it was much more difficult to do so when it was spelled out across her skin for all the world to see.

She noticed they were beginning to scab over, so she carefully washed away the excess and dried blood. She ran a chakra-infused hand across to act as an antibiotic and kill any bacteria before bandaging her arm and sliding her shirt sleeve back down.

She took a deep breath, looked at the mirror, and smiled before opening the bathroom door and continuing on her way home. While she didn’t look her best, she looked normal enough and most importantly, no one would be able to tell that anything was wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN about the story:  
> 1). What do you think? What do you want to see happen in future chapters?  
> 2). Please review! This is my first fic, it’s super personal, and I’m super nervous, which is why this chapter took so long.  
> 3). Sorry there’s no ItaSaku in this chapter :( there will be!  
> 4). Ino ditching Sakura was sad, but I had a friend end our friendship over self-injury similar to this and wanted to write about it. There will be happy moments upcoming!
> 
> ANs about mental health:  
> 1). I don’t support self-injury, I’m not “romanticizing” it, etc. However, self-injury does happen and we shouldn't avoid the topic. I made this as accurate and heartfelt as possible. Sakura will get better, therapy will continue, recovery is possible- just not yet.  
> 2). Avoiding sex and hypersexuality are both responses to sexual trauma and will be discussed in therapy at some point.  
> 3). This chapter was super intense, please reach out to talk to someone if you need it!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning: Discusses seduction missions, past family abuse, and the almost Uchiha-massacre in detail.

Itachi was surprised to see her there before him.

He was currently 15 minutes early to group- as punctuality has been drilled into him since before he could walk- and very few people ever matched his promptness.

His interest was piqued even more as she made no move to greet him as he entered. Flower sat there with her hands clasped under her chin, leaning forward, with her elbows on her knees as she stared at the ground.

He knew she was aware of his presence- her eyes tracked his motions even as her body didn’t move.

Itachi was surprised at his dismay from her lack of greeting. While he didn’t usually care for social pleasantries- he wasn’t exactly the most loquacious person himself and had no room to judge anyone else- he’d thought he’d been building a tentative friendship with Flower. Did he say something wrong last week? Upset or anger her? How doess he even go about fixing this sort of situation? A preemptive apology? A greeting? An inquiry to her health? A-

“You okay there, Weasel-san? You’ve been standing there and staring off into space for a good minute.”

...Or he could just wait until she broke the silence. 

“I am fine. I noticed that you looked rather... dismayed and was wondering if that was regarding group tonight.”

“Oh, no, it was just a long week," she sighed, finally looking up at him.

“May I inquire as to what happened?”

“Some memories that were better left forgotten came back up. I ran into my father for the first time in over a year and it didn’t go well. On top of a seduction mission, which isn’t my favorite task. So all in all it just wasn't a great week.”

Itachi could definitely understand the harm memories could do and issues one's relationship with their father could bring. One thing stuck out to him, though- “Seduction mission? I was not aware you were trained in seduction.”

He looks her over again, wondering if he’s missed anything else.

At that, she snorts, and it’s the last thing he expected. “Never had a seduction mission? Lucky you. Let me guess, you’re a clan kid, then? Maybe even from a main branch family or one of the noble clans at that.”

Despite keeping his face impassive, Itachi feels his heart rate begin to pick up slightly. He had few clues that pointed to her identity outside of her medic-nin work and yet she was nearing close to his identity. How had she made him so quickly?

“What makes you assume so?”

“The fact that you haven’t had seduction training.”

“Why?" He wasn't following her train of thought, something uncommon for him, yet with Flower it happened on an almost regular occurence.

“...wow," she deadpans. "You really don’t know, do you?”

“Know what?”

Now he was starting to get annoyed. Flower, his friend- well, he supposed they hadn’t cemented that they were in fact friends, but he had begun to privately think of her as his friend in his head- was able to identify him quickly and now wasn’t explaining anything.

“Oh, boy. Okay. Let me give you a hint. How do you think ninja are selected to go on a seduction missions?”

“Those with seduction training.”

“Right. And who receives seduction training?”

“...most likely shinobi that have shown an aptitude for seduction or an interest in that field, like those in any other area of the ninja arts."

“And there’s your problem. How many shinobi do you know that _want_ to go into seduction?”

Itachi takes a moment to ponder this. Apart from the rare individual here or there that seems to enjoy specializing in seduction, he can’t personally think of anyone- shinobi or kunoichi- that desires seduction missions.

“Not many,” he admits.

“Correct. With the abundance of necessary seduction missions the village takes and a lack of willing volunteers, how do ninja get pushed into seduction work, then?”

“...I would assume they have proved incompetent in other areas of the ninja arts and are therefore slotted towards seduction work."

At this, Flower starts laughing, although it isn't the kind, cheerful laugh like he's used to from her. It's surprisingly bitter and filled with derision.

“And for me? I'll give you a hint. I never wanted to partake in seduction missions. I'm a jounin, member of ANBU, and a medic-nin only surpassed by- well. Let's just say that I'm good at medicine. So why would _I_ be selected for those type of missions, then?"

At this, Itachi has no answer. While he's never seen her in combat, he knows this is group therapy for jounin level and up only, so she must be quite skilled. Even being able to perform medical jutsu at all is something to be proud of due to its difficulty level and usually indicates advanced chakra control skills.

“...I do not know, Flower. Would you please inform me?"

"It's because I'm not from a shinobi clan- because I'm civilian-born." 

At that, Itachi's brain momentarily short circuits. He had known that civilian-born shinobi were often not treated as fairly as their clan-born counterparts- he fights against it when he can- but _this_ -

"You know as well as I do that the shinobi system is set up to favor clans. When clan children are slotted for seduction missions, clan heads get upset for all sorts of reasons- they want their children to remain chaste for marriage, they don't want to deal with the trauma of seduction missions, but mostly, they think their clan members are better than other shinobi and that seduction type missions are below them. So the clan leaders cause difficulty at Clan Head meetings. They withhold funding they'd already stipulated to the village. They do everything in their power to make life difficult for the village and for the Hokage in hopes that if they cause enough trouble, the decision will be rescinded. And it usually works.

"So shinobi that aren't from a clan- mainly civilian-born shinobi- are selected instead, regardless of our feelings about it. That's why there's no official seduction corps within ANBU- no specialized teams like there are with espionage, tracking, assassination.

"You had guessed that shinobi not good at other shinobi arts are slotted for seduction? No. There are plenty of mediocre clan chunin who are slotted for comfortable missions and have no desire to improve outside of their clan specialty. I'm higher-ranked, I have a specialization, and I'm a damn good shinobi, but in the end I'm just a civilian borne nin who wouldn't be missed."

"You will always be worth more than me." She says the last part so quietly he has to strain to hear it.

Itachi stares at her, taken aback at the new information. This was something he'd never considered before- never had _reason_ to consider before- and he's been awoken to a new type of horror. He won't argue with her words- she clearly knows more than him on this issue and has dealt with the prejudice facing civilian-born shinobi personally- but he wants to disagree with her that he is worth more than she is solely because of his family name. That he knows many clan shinobi are bigoted and agree with that method of thinking but that he is not one of them. That he's come to greatly enjoy their conversations and considers her to be one of the only few friends she has.

But then Satō-san enters the room and his moment to speak is cut off too soon.

He won't let this go, however.

He'll bring the topic back up at a later time, with just them and not Satō-san. He wants to know more about her experiences in the shinobi ranks. He wants to reassure her of her worth. Mostly, he wants her genuine lighthearted laugh to come back instead of the darkened, self-deprecating one she had today.

* * *

Itachi listens quietly, still ruminating on his and Flower's earlier conversation, as the two women exchange greetings. He nods politely at Satō-san and waits for her to begin group, but instead, Flower starts speaking as Satō asks if they have anything they want to share.

“I saw my father at the market this week," she begins slowly. “I'd been tired and distracted, coming home from a mission, and the shock of seeing him... just made me panic.”

“What do you think about seeing him caused the panic?” 

“I just... he was... ahh. This is hard. He used to hurt my mother," she said quietly. "I was young and didn't know about the severity of the abuse. She would always try to hide it from me- I think she didn't want me to worry. As I got older, I began to notice more. There were times she made me promise to hide, to not come out no matter what, even as I heard him strike her.

“It’s why I decided to be a shinobi. I know most civilians and shinobi circles don't interact, but as I watched shinobi leap around from building to building, like hero's or magic from one of my fairytales, I realized that if I became a shinobi, I would be strong enough to make sure he never hurt her again.

“The first time I ever stepped in when they were fighting was after I passed my chunin exam. I saw him go to hit her and didn't even think, just moved- caught his fist before it could connect. He was furious. I thought about catching him in a genjutsu, but I knew it was illegal to use jutsu on civilians and didn't want to make it worse. He tried to come after me, and I just kept blocking. I wanted to hit him back so badly- I was finally strong enough to- but I became a shinobi to protect others, not to mindlessly hurt those weaker than me. And I didn't want to be anything like him.

"He kicked me out of the house that night. My mother didn't say a word. My stepping-in actually made it worse- I had never seen her beaten as badly as she was when I snuck back a few days later. I begged her to leave with me, that I would find a safe place for her, but she wouldn't leave him.

"If I can prepare myself ahead of time to see him, it's not so bad, but when I see him unexpectedly, it just triggers this panic... or I guess now I know it's actually called hyperstress."

Itachi doesn't say anything, just listens as she speaks. He had wondered why she decided to become a shinobi if she wasn't forced into their profession like he was, but now he almost wishes he didn't know the reason. The senseless violence she must have grown up in and seen as a child. As cruel as the shinobi world is, there is usually a clear reason for the violence, like defeating an opponent. To witness such intimate violence in her own home for no reason must have been awful.

"Thank you for sharing that with us, dearie," Satō-san says. "I think tonight is a great night to look at family dynamics and how they affect us. I'm glad you brought the topic up. Would you mind telling me more about your relationships with both your father and your mother?"

"My father had never wanted to have a daughter- he's a merchant and had always intended for his son to take over when he retired. Instead, he got me. He would always make sure I knew how disappointed he was in me- he would always make little comments, comparing me to other children. It was obvious he was disappointed in everything I was.

"When I decided to become a shinobi, he was furious. I had thought he'd be proud. Here I am, making something of myself after he always said I never could. But he wasn't proud- if anything, he was angry to be proved wrong. Angry at what I could accomplish despite my 'hardship' of being born female. He told me how I was a bad, ungrateful child, that everything was my fault, that if I were to become a shinobi then I clearly didn't love my family enough to take on the merchant role from him. It was funny- for years he told me I wasn't fit to be a merchant, and then suddenly he wanted it? But I didn't care. I wanted to protect my mother. I wanted to never let her or anyone I cared about to be hurt ever again.

"A small part of me still wants a relationship with the man. For him to love me and be proud of me. But I know that unless something drastic changes, that'll never happen. I want answers, too, as to why he's the way he is, but I know I'm not getting them. I've just had to accept that out relationship is this broken thing and that there's nothing I can do about it.

"My mother, well. She was always kind to me, but she's submissive to him. She protected me to her best ability but allowed him to hurt her. She's quiet and afraid to say anything. While she lets me know how proud of me she is in secret, she would never go against my father," she finished.

Satō-san appears to contemplate this for a moment before asking, "And how do you think your relationships with them have impacted you as a person?"

"Oh, man, how haven't they? Because of my dad, I never feel like I'm enough. Like I'm still striving to earn the praise he'll never give me. Because of my mom and her fear to speak up, I bounce back and forth between two extremes- I'm either quiet and polite and do as I'm told, or I'm loud and abrasive and aggressive. I hate that part of myself so much, like an inner personality that just holds back everything wrong until finally I snap. I didn't even know what a healthy marriage, a healthy relationship was supposed to look like until I was much older. Because of that, I unknowingly pursued toxic relationships that just... made me even more damaged as a person. You know?" Flower finishes, looking away.

"I'm glad you shared that with us, dearie. It sounds like one thing you could try to reduce your stress levels is that when you feel that 'inner personality' you mentioned start to emerge from holding so much back, try to let some of that go before you get to the point where you 'snap'. Find healthy ways in your life to release stress when you can- like exercising or talking with us in group, for instance- so the stress doesn't build up. Remember to not be afraid to speak up for yourself as well. You stated that you hold back what's wrong until you explode- don't feel like you need to hold yourself back! There are times like at work when we must bite our tongues and do as assigned, but in your personal life, if something is wrong, _say_ something. If the people in your life aren't willing to listen and healthily communicate with you when there's a problem, they probably don't deserve to be in your life. Don't you agree?"

She nods. "Thank you, Satō-san. I will try to remember that."

Their therapist turns to him. "And you, Weasel-san? Would you tell us what your family dynamic is like?"

Itachi exhales out of his nose, wondering where to begin. He takes care to phrase his words with as little identifying details as possible.

"My father is the head of my household. Whatever he said was done, and we all attempted to keep him happy. There were several times he made decisions I didn't agree with- he strongly encouraged me to enter ANBU at a very young age, for instance- but for the sake of keeping the peace, my family and I went along with whatever he decided. He was a very proud, very cold man. He did not tolerate failure or weakness. Duty always came first and as a result, I was very rarely around others my age and struggled with friendships.

"Despite our public appearances as a family, we are not very close. We rarely speak to one another unless we must. Meal-times are silent, even as we all eat together.

"I know my mother detests the distance between us and would love to bridge the gap, but my father would never allow it. He placed many expectations on me that were difficult to achieve, but in doing so he completely neglected my younger sibling. That sibling is off on a long-term mission at the moment but has a lot of anger inside of them due to our father's treatment. I tried to shield them from the worst of our father, but I fear I unknowingly pushed them away in the process and I worry what will become of my family when they return. I feel all the issues we are silent about will boil over. It is a grim portrait my family paints.

"My father wants me to one day take over our clan, so that is what will most likely happen. I am unsure of how that transition will go, though I hope it may lead to one day my family being closer to one another."

That was a great deal of words for him to say at once and as guilty as he feels saying anything negative about his family, he is strangely relieved. It's good to get that pressure off of his chest. Shisui always listens to him, but as a fellow Uchiha, has grown up in the same environment and often views Itachi's family as being part of his normal. Itachi knows his family isn't normal or healthy- not even close- and it is satisfying to admit so to others, even anonymously.

“And you?" Satō-san asks him.

“Hm?"

“What do you want, dear?"

As simple a question as it was, Itachi had never considered what he wanted. He did what was best for his country, for his clan, for his teammates. He never factored himself into the equation.

“I imagine I will eventually retire from shinobi work before taking up the position of clan head, after likely entering an arranged marriage."

Flower was looking across from him rather horrified. For all of her difficulties as a civilian-born shinobi that he'll never know, she in turn likely had no clue the pressure he was under from his clan. The lack of freedom and personal choice, the constant scrutiny of others, the great burden of expectation.

“No, dearie. I don't want you to tell me what everyone else wants or expects from you. I want to know what it is that _you_ want."

“I never wanted to be a shinobi. I think the world knows enough of violence. If allowed to resign from my shinobi duties, I think I would like to be an educator or a diplomat." Itachi knows there's nothing wrong with his words but the guilt he feels at acknowledging he never wished to be a shinobi catches him off guard. Here he is, belonging to one of the noble shinobi clans and possessing one of the greatest dōjutsu in the world, and he never wanted any of it.

“And what's stopping you from doing those things?"

He doesn't like thinking about such things, let alone talking about them. He wants to stop these invasive questions, the sharing of these personal things. Itachi feels his temper begin to rise and he loathes it as much as he relishes in it. The anger is sharp, uncomfortable, but it's a genuine emotion, genuine in the way the feelings he desperately chases after when he mutilates himself are. For once, here, he allows himself to feel angry. For once, he doesn't reject it.

“Duty. Obligation," he manages to tersely say.

"If you retired from active duty, you would no longer have to be concerned about duty. Tell me, what obligations stand in your way of going after what you want?"

Recollections of the almost-massacre flood his mind. All of the anger in the memories that he never properly dealt with and just locked away comes pouring out. He wants to yell, wants to scream, that it isn't right, it isn't _fair_ , it shouldn't be _his_ responsibility-!

He never wanted to be part of a family that would plot against the village they swore loyalty to. He never wanted to be a spy or a double agent for the Hokage- he betrayed his family all those years ago and _they don't even know_. He never wanted to be asked to  _ murder  _ them all if Sandaime-sama hadn't ousted Danzo from his seat on the village council and replaced him with his father. 

He will always be grateful to the Sandaime for choosing diplomacy over bloodshed. It's what cemented his nindō, his belief in pacifism.

The worst part of the almost-massacre is knowing that he would have- could have- done it. To save Sasuke, he would have done it. To protect the village he swore to serve from his own family, his own clansmen, he would have done it. As his family, it was his responsibility to make it right. But the willingness to do the right thing doesn't make it any easier for him to to sleep at night knowing that he has the capacity inside of him to have murdered dozens of his family members, his own parents included.

(Would his father still have been proud of him _then?_ Then, as he thrust his sword and-)

Even now, relations between the clan and Konoha are tremulous at best. He already fears what might happen at the slightest provocation; he cannot consider what might happen if he left the shinobi lifestyle behind him. He must remain active, must remain the good son, until he can take over the clan to ensure that nothing like this could ever happen again. 

But even as clan-head, he won't be happy, he'll be stuck dealing with the same, bigoted elders, probably be stuck in an arranged marriage with a similarily meek woman like his mother, _never be allowed to do what he really wants-!_

His breathing gets shallow and some muted part of his mind marvels at the fact that he is getting emotional enough to have a physical response. He can't remember the last time that happened.

He could tamper it down- force himself into his unfeeling ANBU-persona- but he's surprised to find that he _doesn't want to_. 

For the first time in his life, here in group, Itachi is not punished for showing his emotions. Rather, he's encouraged and supported in this place where he's allowed to finally, finally be himself. It's incredible and frightening and while he isn't as open in group as he wants to be, he's making progress. He's allowed to just be Itachi, not Itachi the clan-heir or ANBU captain, and he didn't realize how badly he needed that in his life until now.

Still, he knows he can't discuss treason and the almost coup here. Despite the anonymity of therapy, that is an above S-class secret. He needs to temper it down. Shisui is the only other one who knows what almost became the Uchiha clan, and while neither enjoy discussing it, they're both always willing to spar about it.

Finally, finally he refocuses on group again, with Satō's face unreadable and Flower looking worriedly over at him. "The obligations I must fulfill. That is all."

He sees Satō looking at him, and right as he begins to think she will keep pushing him, she relents, with the same usual reminder of group meeting the following week.

He shunshins out immediately and heads to the gates where he knows Shisui is waiting for him.

* * *

The next day, after having the spar with Shisui and the night's rest to clear his head, finds Itachi knowing on the door of the ANBU commander's office. As an ANBU captain, it's not unusual for Itachi to need to speak to the man, but he's aware his reason for seeking the man out is.

"Enter."

Itachi walks in and shuts the door behind him, waiting for the man sitting at the desk to look up at him. He knows the commander is some relative of the Sarutobi clan, a middle-aged man who'd served in active-duty ANBU for close to twenty years before moving to his current position. Itachi has enjoyed working under him- he's harsh but fair and while he drives the importance of completing the mission home, he also doesn't expect undue loss of his soldiers lives apart from rare circumstances. Compared to what he's heard of previous commanders, such as the one Hatake Kakashi first joined ANBU under, Itachi knows he is fortunate.

"Crow. What can I do for your today?"

"Sir," he says before bowing. "It has come to my attention recently that there is not a formal seduction corps within ANBU and that many regular ANBU operatives fill in these roles as needed. I request that you add my name to the roster of agents willing and able to take such missions, after I undergo any required training."

After contemplating what Flower said, Itachi found that he couldn't in good conscience ignore what he'd learned. He'd been ignorant before but now that he's aware, he must take action. He's volunteering to complete seduction missions for a variety of reasons- that other shinobi who are unwilling may be spared, that he may better learn about the discrimination civilian-born shinobi face, but mostly so that he as clan-heir can set an example. If others take note of his participation and learn about the issue or volunteer themselves, he can enact real, positive change within the system. 

As determined as he is to do this, a small part of him is nervous. Itachi has never so much as even kissed a girl- and why would he, when he knows the likelihood that he'll be entered into an arranged marriage anyways? Before Flower, he had no women in his life he was even close to. (Isn't that a thought? Being close to Flower. Flower, who throughout her service for the village has probably kissed dozens of men, who- he forces himself to stop the train of thought). He knows that he has many "fan-girls" who admire him throughout the village, knows that he is often praised for his looks and could be successful in seduction, but still, the idea of his body being so close to another's is disconcerting. 

The ANBU commander just looks at him, baffled. "Why would you want to undertake seduction missions? You're my prime pick for missions that would look much better on your dossier, like assassination and espionage."

"I appreciate that, sir," Itachi says, still kneeling in his bow. "My reasons are my own, but rest assured that I have given it much thought."

"Have a seat," the commander says while gesturing to the chairs in front of his desk. After Itachi sits, he begins, "Crow, even if I wanted to assign you to seduction missions- and I don't- there's no way I could do so without upsetting your clan."

"ANBU is a matter of utmost secrecy- I don't see why it would be an issue."

"ANBU is supposed to be a matter of utmost secrecy. The reality is that besides having other clan members in ANBU, your father as police chief reserves the right to oversee my work, provided he submits the proper requests detailing his reasoning. You're a strong shinobi and I'm glad to have you in my ranks, but I'm not willing to make an enemy out of your clan, Crow."

Once again, Itachi is foiled by his clan and it chafes. Why should his father have the authority to investigate ANBU? Even if his clan discovered that he was undertaking seduction missions, why should it matter as long as it's done in the service of the village. And yet, Itachi knows it does. 

"But," the commander begins, "I am willing to compromise with you." At that, Itachi's head snaps up. "While I'm not willing to send you as the lead on a seduction mission, I am willing to send you out as the back-up, if you so choose."

Taken aback and again grateful to serve under this man, Itachi says, "Sir, I would be-"

"However," the commander cuts him off, "I want to know the real reason you're suddenly interested in seduction missions. None of this 'my reasons are my own stuff.'"

Itachi hesitates, trying to figure out what to say. He obviously won't bring up anything about group, but enough of the truth should do. "I've recently become friends with a civilian-born kunoichi. Until now, I was unaware of many of the difficulties she faced, including seduction missions. Now that I know, I want to both learn more about them and to help shoulder that burden."

The commander just stares at him while Itachi waits. "You're a good kid, Crow. Okay. I'm glad you came in to talk to me, actually. While many seduction missions are a piece of cake or boring, the one that I've got coming up isn't. It's at least a B-rank, possibly an A-rank. Are you interested?"

"Yes, sir. Who is the lead on this mission."

"I've got an appointment to see her- right about now," he says as a knocking sounds on the door. "Enter."

In walks a small kunoichi, dressed in ANBU regalia sans mask with bright pink hair. 

_Haruno Sakura._

In truth, Itachi doesn't know her very well- he only recognizes her by her hair color. He knew she was once on his otōto's genin team, that her somewhat ridiculous confession of love to Sasuke was able to delay his attempt to leave the village long enough for enforcements to arrive after Orochimaru gave him the curse seal. He knew that she'd since become the Hokage's apprentice, had seen her healing others in the hospital, but had no clue she had become strong enough to enter ANBU. 

He isn't quite sure what to make of her, and based off her expression, she isn't quite sure what to make of him either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should Itachi figure out that Sakura is Flower on the upcoming ANBU mission, yes or no?! (Sakura won't figure it out for a while, but she's also not trying to.)
> 
> Oh, man. I'd been dismayed by the lack of reviews- I thought about giving this story up, tbh- but I got a really amazing one that inspired me to push this chapter out! Regarding lack of reviews, though:
> 
> 1). As a thank you to everyone who has commented, every request that I've received so far will be granted! Itachi and Sakura interacting as themselves outside of therapy (starting this chapter) and then Sakura interacting with Itachi's ANBU team and team 7's return (both coming up soon). I hadn't planned to write any of these things for quite a while- well past the halfway point in the story- but both as a thank you and because I now know what my readers want, it's now being included! And the chapter is longer, as noted. Thank you! <3
> 
> 2). No update schedule from here on out. I'll try to post on a regular basis, but it's hard when I'm not motivated, especially because this story can be so triggering. We'll see what happens!
> 
> Hope you're all well!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Includes discussion of seduction missions, which may be seen as dub or non-con by some readers (due to the nature of being assigned a seduction mission vs. having a personal choice). Fic tags have been updated to reflect that. However, all mentions of anything explicit will occur in the past tense only- this fic is about coping with the aftermath of trauma and not about trauma itself.
> 
> Also includes mentions to a past relationship with physical and emotional abuse.
> 
> Please let me know after reading if you think the dub and non-con ratings are necessary, as well as the "M" rating or if it can be moved to "T".

Sakura wasn’t sure what was happening as she took in the Uchiha heir across from her. 

If the commander had wanted her to wait, he wouldn’t have called her in. Seeing as he did call her in, that meant... 

“Welcome, Slug, please have a seat. I’m assuming you’ve met agent Crow, yes?”

She watches the ANBU captain across from her give a nod of greeting before replying slowly, “We’ve met in passing.”

“Good, good. I know you’re probably wondering why you’re both here, so I’ll cut to the chase. I know that you just came back from one and I hate assigning back-to-back when I can help it, but I have a seduction mission I think you’re the best agent for. 

“A small city up north in Fire has reported several missing young adults over the past few months. It took time for their authorities to realize there’s a pattern, but there is. 

“Someone- we’re assuming a shinobi under henge, as their appearance differs every time- is meeting civilian folks at local bars and luring them away. Passerby in the bar and friends of the victims have described what appears to be the victims leaving with the target for consensual, one-night stands only for the victims to not show up the next day and have vanished without a trace. Both men and women from the ages of 16 to 24 have been taken and the only thing we've able to find they have in common is that none are shinobi.

“That’s where you come in. I want you to disguise yourself as a civilian, allow yourself to be picked up from the bar, and follow your target. Gather intel and wait until your target makes a move before taking him down. If they’re working with more than one person, take the team down if you can. If you find evidence the victims may still be alive, release them if possible. However, if the operation is too large or if they try to transport you to another location, under no circumstances are you to go with them- I don’t want you getting captured or killed over this, do you understand?"

She takes a moment to think it over. Compared to many of the past seduction missions she's been on, this one doesn't sound horrendous- the potential for danger is there but seeing as she just needs to get the target to pick her up for the evening and doesn't need to actually sleep with them, it should all be fine.

"Yes, sir. Disguise myself as a civilian, allow the target to pick me up, and then take them down. Gather intel, make sure it's a solo operation, release anyone I find, and call for help if needed."

“Good. Agent Crow is assigned as your backup. Ideally, he’ll shadow your movements and stay in the background until your target attempts to make a move. If needed, he’ll extract you and provide other support as necessary. As this is Agent Crow’s first seduction mission of any kind and he hasn’t had seduction training, I expect you to take the lead regarding picking up the target- or in this case, having the target pick up you. 

“However, as an ANBU captain, all other calls go to Agent Crow, including your travel and any battle plans needed. I hope you take this opportunity to not just work together but learn from each other- Slug, you’ve been a fine agent and I can see a promotion to captain in your future, so take this opportunity to learn as much as you can from Crow. Crow, the same goes for you but vice versa.

“Here’s the mission scroll. Any questions?”

She takes a look at Itachi next to her. As usual, his face is a blank mask she can’t read. As he shakes his head, she verbally confirms, “No, commander.”

“That’s all, then. I expect you both at the gates in an hour ready to head out.” 

Itachi nods at her before body flickering away and she's left holding the mission scroll in the commander's office wondering how this mission will go with her unexpected teammate.

* * *

Itachi wasn’t sure what to expect when he first saw the pinkette again. 

He still remembers her as a child, chasing after Sasuke’s affections. Even as he saw her around the village since his brother’s departure, her hands were seemingly always full of medical work.

He had no clue she’d been promoted to ANBU- and likely not all that recently, if she was being considered for a future squad captain. 

Despite knowing she trained under Tsunade, the thought surprised him. Tsunade’s other apprentice, Shizune, had reached the rank of tokubetsu jounin, but seemed to prefer avoiding battle when possible and focused primarily on hospital work. He had assumed Sakura would follow in the same path of most medical ninja.

For Sakura to have the strength to even be considered for captain- and not merely be assigned as a medic or back-up- she must have grown quite formidable. 

It isn’t that surprising that he didn’t know of her work in ANBU- before now, he rarely took missions without his usual team of Shisui and Genma, though that will likely change if his request is granted and he does indeed provide support on seduction missions. 

He wonders if that’s another clan-born thing, the flexibility to choose one’s teammates, that he’s been gifted when others haven’t. 

He pushes the thoughts away- while important, right before a mission is not the time to ponder the complexities of the shinobi hierarchy. What matters is that she's his partner and he finds himself tentatively looking forward to the upcoming mission. It's his first in seduction and besides learning more about the specialty, he's hoping to learn more about the abilities of his partner as well.

After heading home to grab his pack and leave a note, he waits by the gates for her to show. 

She arrives a few minutes early- punctual, good to see the habits of her sensei didn’t run off on her- and greets him with a short, “Crow.”

“Are you ready to leave?” 

“Hai, Crow.” 

“The village is a day’s run north. As it is afternoon, let’s take half the run today, camp for the night, and finish half the run tomorrow morning, giving you the afternoon and evening tomorrow to prepare to meet the target. Any objections?”

“No, Crow.”

“Very well. You shall take the lead, I will take point. Run as fast as you feel comfortable with and let me know if you need to rest or sense anything amiss. Let’s head out.” 

* * *

They’d been running for a few hours and all was well. The sun was beginning to set into darkness around them as Itachi looked around for an area to camp for the night.

He’d been pleasantly surprised with Sakura’s stamina- she ran at a good, fast pace, never requesting a break unless he called for one. 

He wasn’t sure what he’d expected in the back of his mind- that she’d babble his ear off like she was prone to whenever she was younger- but whatever it was, his expectations hadn’t even been vaguely met. She was quiet as they ran, only asking if he needed anything on their few breaks and making no other attempts at conversation. 

It was clear that she’d grown in leaps and bounds since the years he’d last seen her and he needed to stop basing his expectations of her on the past. Despite both of them being close to Sasuke, he did not know her, as she did not know him. 

Eventually, a few more miles ahead, Itachi saw a wooded area that looked to be a good place to rest for the evening. He called out a quiet, “Stop,” and waited as she came to rest on the tree branch beside him. 

“This looks like a good place to stop for the evening. I’ll set the perimeter, you set the camp.”

He sees her jump down from the treetops and begin pulling items out of her bag as he takes off to set the perimeter. While running, he ponders how to go about the conversation he wants to have. 

The commander had suggested they learn from each other and Itachi had questions about seduction missions; he was sure she also had missions for him about leading an ANBU squad. 

He’d been hoping she would bring up a topic of conversation, but she’d proved rather uncooperative with his wishes. 

Maybe she didn’t like him? Maybe she didn’t think it appropriate to talk to a captain? Maybe she was nervous about the mission? Maybe-

No, he wouldn’t sit here and make up a million what-if scenarios in his head. He already did that in group and waited for Flower to talk first; here, he would take charge and initiate the conversation. 

He finds her settled over the fire, cooking what looked like to be two small hares and flashing a smile at him. He clears his throat for a moment, gathering himself to speak.

“As the commander said, this is my first time undertaking a seduction mission in any capacity. I am interested in learning more about them in order to be a better teammate to both you and other future mission partners. Would you mind if I asked you about your experience regarding these missions? I fear my questions may be of a more personal nature and not related directly to the mission objective, so I understand if you decline my request and would not be bothered if you refuse."

It’s only four sentences but Itachi can’t remember the last time he spoke so much that wasn’t giving an oral report to the Hokage, ordering his team, or in group. It’s a little jarring but also nice. 

He knows his father or most other members of the Uchiha clan, save Shisui, would never put aside their pride by admitting they don't know something and asking questions. It's something that's always bothered him. There's no shame in asking questions, especially when their purpose is to make you a better shinobi. 

He struggles with pride in his own ways but never has he been afraid to ask questions when needed or learn from the experiences of others.

She blinks at him after his query, surprised, and then looks considering. “Alright. Why not? You can ask me anything you want, on a few conditions. First, this conversation stays between us- I want your word that you won't repeat what I say to anyone else and I'll do the same. Next, for every question that you ask, I get to ask you one as well. Don’t worry, I won’t ask you anything sensitive- I’ll only ask about things that relate to ANBU. Finally, we can each decline to answer any question, but the asker gets to ask another one. Deal, Crow?”

He thinks over the offer. While he could ask her any number of questions regarding seduction missions- much more than he was was originally hoping for or would have asked for from her- he might have to reveal information about himself in return. Despite her assurances that she won’t ask him anything sensitive, he doubts she knows him well enough to avoid sensitive questions. 

Still, her offer is fair and makes sense- as a fellow member of ANBU, it’s reasonable she has questions about his own experience in the shadow ranks- and would put him closer to his goal of learning the in’s and out’s of seduction missions. 

Besides, wasn’t he just wishing in group that he was better with interpersonal relations and talking to others? This could be an opportunity to practice and if he ruins it, she is sworn to privacy as is he. 

He acquiesces and nods his head. “Ah. That is fine. Also, we are still in Fire country and I do not sense anyone nearby. Feel free to refer to me by my given name instead of my mask, if you so choose.” 

“Okay... Itachi-san. If you agree to call me Sakura, that's fine. Alright, what's your first question?"

“As the apprentice of the Hokage, I would have imagined you to be excluded from seduction-type missions. Was that not the case?”

“Ah. Well, I began running seduction missions... before my apprenticeship to the Hokage began. Even after starting under Tsunade-shishou, I probably could have quit but kept running them as needed.” 

He’s curious as to what the pause meant when she said she underwent her training before beginning her apprenticeship but doesn’t feel he knows her well enough to ask. It’s reasonable for him to want to learn more about seduction missions and she’s been generous enough agreeing to discuss that with him; he won’t push his luck. He also wouldn’t like it if she tried to pry into his personal life and wants to extend to her the same courtesy, so he stays focused on the topic at hand. 

“I don’t imagine many shinobi would continue running them once given a way out, so to speak.”

“No,” she laughed despondently. “I don’t imagine they would.” 

“Why do you?” 

“Hmm, that sounded an awful lot like two back-to-back questions, but since it’s related to the first one I’ll let it slide this time. Give me a minute.”

She stares at the fire for a moment, presumably gathering her thoughts. Even when she begins speaking, she avoids his eyes and still gazes into the fire. If he didn't suspect she was doing so out of difficulty for the topic at hand, he might have been offended and assume she avoided the eyes of sharingan users. As it is, he lets it go.

“A couple of reasons, I guess. The first is that, while unpleasant, I don’t truly mind them. You could say I’ve gotten used to them. After the first few, they ceased to bother me. 

“The second is that I like staying in-the-know. I’m not sure if you were aware, but civilian-born shinobi tend to take on the bulk of seduction missions. Despite being Tsunade-shishou’s apprentice, I’m still a civilian-born shinobi. The majority of shinobi that do seduction work are ones that I’m friends with- have worked beside and grown up with. I want to know how they’re doing and what the reality of their situation is. If I suddenly quit undertaking seduction missions just because I’m now slightly more important in shinobi hierarchy, I would be turning my back on my friends and be no better than those who force civilian-born shinobi to take these missions or those who look away and pretend they don’t see the struggles of my fellow non-clan shinobi. I refuse to be that person. I’m not better than anyone else just because now I’m someone’s apprentice. 

“The third, as silly as it sounds, is because... I want to be a good example. I want to show other civilian-born shinobi, especially younger ones, that there are ways to climb up the shinobi hierarchy- luck is involved, and there isn’t enough room for everyone to, but it is possible. And even for the shinobi who don’t manage to climb up the ranks, I want them to see me as an example of someone that didn’t give up or quit despite the “hardship” of my birth. 

“The fourth is that, frankly, it looks good on my dossier to have a large variety of mission types and training, especially since seduction missions often overlap with other mission types like assassination or espionage. Obviously medical-based missions are my primary focus, but the additional experience doesn’t hurt. 

“Fifth, I’ve already done the difficult part of completing seduction training and taken several seduction missions and I don’t want my skills to fade now because of disuse after I went through the trouble of learning everything.

"And finally... a small part of me enjoys taking them, now at least. People look at me and see a small, pink-haired girl no matter what I do or how strong I've become. It's frustrating and infuriating but I'm beginning to find a sense of peace in it. So what if I'm short or girly-looking? Underestimate me and it could be the last mistake you ever make. This gives me another, albeit unconditional, way to be strong in my own way.

“I think that's it. Does that answer your question?” 

“Yes, that is sufficient. Thank you, Sakura-san.”

“Alright, my turn. No offense, but what on Earth are you doing on a seduction mission? You already said you’ve never been on one. Not many people volunteer for seduction missions and I imagine that you of all people could have gotten out of it, which likely means that you _want_ to be here. Why?” 

He knew she had to be smart to be a medic-nin, but finds himself pleasantly surprised at her thought process. It’s clear she’s intelligent if she can determine he's here of his own choice, despite the jumps in logic.

“The... disparity of conditions between what clan and civilian-born children experience has recently come to my attention. In short, it is unjust and I would like to change that. I can think of no better way to start than by using my privilege and tackling the problem personally.” 

“That is... surprisingly kind of you, Itachi-san.” 

He mentally disagrees- it isn't so much kind as it is the right thing to do- but doesn’t bother refuting the compliment aloud. 

“Ah. Is it my turn, then?” 

He waits until he sees a nod and then asks, “In your opinion, what are the easiest and most difficult parts of a seduction mission, respectively?”

Her face twists into an expression he can’t read into a moment before blanking over. “Hmm. The easiest part, for me, is allowing my body to fall into the mechanical motions that seduction training instills. It’s almost like learning to ride a bike or throwing a kunai- with enough repetitive practice, your body responds instinctively, like muscle memory. No new mission is unique now- it’s the same event, over and over. 

“The hardest part for me is probably... the missions where I have to seem weak. Once, there was a mission where a rapist was targeting young girls in a small city. He used date rape drugs to knock his victims unconscious before dragging them to a secondary location. In order to properly investigate, I had to allow him to spike my drink. Like I wasn’t one of the best medical-nin in the land of fire with an acute knowledge of poisons and other drugs like the ones he spiked my drink with. I drank it clearly in front of him, burned off the drug, and pretended to let it take effect. Then I had to act like I was drugged, like I wasn’t a top shinobi that could kick his ass, and allow him to lead me, looking half unconscious and practically dragging me, groping me all the way, to the other location- some abandoned warehouse- in order to find it, collect evidence, and make sure he didn’t have a partner. Luckily he didn’t, and once I was there I knocked him out before anything more went down, but still. 

“I spent a long time improving my skills so that I wasn’t weak anymore. To go on missions where I have to be perceived as incompetent when I’m already perceived as incompetent by many due to my past, my civilian upbringing, hell, even my appearance- because being short and having bright fucking pink hair just screams I’m a tough shinobi- grates.”

He’s originally shocked at her coarse language before it warms him to her slightly. It reminds him of just how different she is from most Uchiha women, born and raised to be perfect, submissive spouses that would cut their tounges before uttering anything profane. She’s strong and independent and if anything, her language indicates her authenticity, the thing Itachi seeks the most in his interpersonal relationships. 

“So, my turn?” She doesn’t even wait for a nod before asking, “Why haven’t you gone through the seduction training if you want to go on seduction missions? I have my suspicions, but I’d like to know for sure.” 

This is pushing the boundary into personal territory but he allows it. “Ah. Despite my wishes to undergo the training, the commander fears angering my family. My knowledge of and interest in seduction missions is recent. I have not had the time to convince him otherwise yet.

“That’s what I figured. Alright, your turn."

“How have seduction missions and the training you received affected your intimate life?” 

If she was pushing the personal boundary, he just blew it out of the water- but he wants to be able to prepare himself for if he does undergo the training and she can choose to reject the question.

“Itachi-san, are you asking me about my sex life?” she asks with a small huff of air.

Spoken aloud, the question is more vulgar than he intended. Thankfully, she sounds amused instead of angered.

Despite his years over her, he feels his cheeks redden and coughs to clear his suddenly clogged throat. “I meant how it affected your dating life.” 

“Hmm. The short answer is that it doesn’t. I’ve had a few partners, but it’s nothing exclusive and more about the physical aspect than anything else. A few know about my seduction work, a few don’t, but it’s not relevant as these encounters don’t have any strings attached.

“I’m not exactly looking for a longterm partner, though if I come across a potential one I probably wouldn’t reject them. They would have to understand that I undertake seduction missions- that my body is a tool for the land of fire, as is any shinobi’s- but that I would never be willingly unfaithful to them or do anything I wasn’t assigned an explicit mission to. 

“That’s about it. Obviously things could change- if I ever entered a serious relationship or found myself married and having children- but that’s a problem for another day."

He notes how careful she is to avoid using pronouns and briefly wonders at the gender of her partners before dismissing it as irrelevant; her personal preferences aren’t his business. 

"Okay, my turn. What made you decide to be an ANBU captain?"

Ah, she touched on one of the few topics he wanted to avoid. He finds himself actually wanting to tell her and abruptly has to pull back inside himself; perhaps having people in group for the first time to discuss his struggles in life was softening him too much, which he cannot allow here. He can imagine saying, "My father forced me into ANBU at the age of 11 as a way to spy on the Hokage in an attempt to overthrow the village," would not exactly go over well. Hopefully she was sincere in her rule on skipping questions.   
  
"Pass."

"Oh, okay. Ehrm, what do you like and dislike about being an ANBU captain, then?"

This is a better question, he can handle this.

"I both like and dislike leading a team. It is a heavy burden to bear and if something happened to them under my leadership, I would feel immense guilt. However, having the skills to serve the land of Fire and protect others is also a great honor."

"Hmm... that makes sense. Thanks, Itachi-san. Your turn again."

“Is there a particular way you cope with the difficulties seduction missions pose?” 

Her face, relatively relaxed throughout the conversation despite the topic, abruptly shutters. “I have my own coping mechanisms- as done any shinobi- that I refuse to discuss. However, regarding seduction type missions specifically, I usually either avoid touching other people afterward until I feel comfortable or I- pardon my honesty but you did ask- go looking for a one-night stand.” 

As embarrassing as openly discussing sex is for him, it’s overshadowed by his confusion at her response. He wonders at the other, non-specified coping mechanisms. “I understand avoidance at physical contact, but I admit I do not follow how experiencing, ah, additional physical encounters, could be efficient in coping- when it is the very opposite of your first method.” 

“That sounds like two questions again, but I’ll let it go.

“Hmm, how to explain. While I choose to accept to go on seduction missions- as I’ve never refused a mission and can’t see myself ever doing so- it’s not physical contact that I would have ever chose or sought out for myself. You could say it’s something I don’t want or have a choice in the matter. At times, that can be difficult. 

“While some missions are... upsetting, and I don’t want anyone to touch me afterward, I don’t always feel like that. It’s hard to explain. 

“After having physical or sexual contact forced on me that I don’t want, that I don’t have any control over, I think that sometimes I just want something that I DO have control over, you know? Sex that I choose. Sex that I want. Sex that I know I can stop at any point. It puts me back in control and in charge of my own body. It reminds me that sex is supposed to feel good and not something that’s unpleasant or hurts. I feel like a human being again when it’s my choice. 

“I know that it doesn’t really make sense, and I know that it isn’t as talked about as avoiding physical contact is after missions or traumatic sex, but it’s the truth. I can’t explain why some missions have me avoiding touch and some have me craving it- I really don’t know why that happens or what missions will trigger either response. If that makes me some sort of harlot, then I don’t care.” 

He considers the information before replying quietly, “What you said does make sense. Thank you- you didn’t have to share that with me and I am grateful that you did. For what it’s worth, I do not think that makes you a harlot.”

He debates saying more and decides that the benefits outweigh the risks and adds, “You put your preferences aside to use your body to protect the land of fire, be that through seduction or more traditional shinobi work, and there is nothing more honorable than that. Sex does not make one lesser, and even if it did, you are entitled to cope with the burden of serving our country however you wish. I hope this doesn’t affect how you see yourself, Sakura-san. If anything, it makes you have my respect.” 

He hears what sounds suspiciously like a sniffle and looks away, giving her a moment to compose herself. 

“Thank you, Itachi-san. That... means a lot. You’re not at all what I expected.

“Anyways, it looks like we’re running low on firewood, so I’m going to go grab some, sound good?” 

He looks at the pile of wood sitting next to the fire, looks at her quickly wiping her hand under her nose, and agrees to let her have a few minutes alone despite how obvious of an excuse she gave. “Ah.” 

And she vanishes.

* * *

What was that!? What the hell was that!?

Had she really got sniffly and teary-eyed in front of Uchiha Itachi on her first ever mission with him? 

She's tried so, _so_ hard to reform her past image of being weak and there he goes making her cry. 

She doesn’t cry often anymore. But with two back to back seduction missions, not having the time to engage in one of her self-injury relief sessions in-between, and with Itachi making a surprisingly sincere comment about one of the few areas in her life she was still sensitive about, it all proved to be too much. 

She could have told him more- about how after whatever disaster of a relationship she had with Kabuto that she didn’t care about throwing her body into seduction work when it was assigned. That after all of team 7 left (abandoning her), the only nin she still knew that would talk to her (after Ino abandoned her-) was Kabuto from the Chūnin exams. 

That Kabuto, despite being a few years older, seemed so kind and gentle and patient; that he paid attention and praised Sakura when no one else did and she fell for it hook, line, and sinker. 

They began having lunch together, training together, even occasionally sparring together. After being so alone, it was a dream come true.

She didn’t notice when Kabuto began to isolate her (she was already isolated because everyone abandoned her-!). 

When she mentioned trying to intern under someone else at the hospital to improve her medical ninjutsu, he told her that no one would pay attention to her as a clanless shinobi and to keep practicing only under his guidance. She believed him and thanked him for the advice, saving her from the potential embarrassment of being rejected.

When she brought up trying to improve her Taijutsu with Lee, he told her that improving on her own was good, but that she didn’t have the time to study both medical ninjutsu and Taijutsu, and to keep studying with him. She, thankful that he would even study with her, agreed.

Hell, he even discouraged her from taking D-rank missions, telling her that she might be partnered with other genin and to hold off on that until she was ready to try for chunin again. She- can you guess?- agreed.

She never thought of any of that strange or abnormal- she was just happy to finally have a friend. 

When he asked her if he could try experimental medical justu on her in exchange for teaching her medical ninjutsu in return, she, the fucked up girl that she was, actually thought it _sweet_ that he asked her before he hurt her- after all, her father hurt her mother without even asking, and fellow shinobi hurt one another without asking, so what did it mean that he _did_ ask first? 

(She was _so fucking stupid_.)

It never struck her that what he was asking was bad or wrong or even anything but normal- he asked her first! And she was so happy to have someone pay attention to her, so desperate to please him, that she would have done almost anything for him. 

It wasn’t that she had romantic inclinations toward him so much as that he gave her a reason to wake up in the morning. With everyone around her uncaring or gone, finding even one person that would pay attention to her meant the world. 

Then one day, Kabuto was just gone. He didn't show up for lunch or training; she couldn't find him anywhere.

She eventually went to the hospital to look for him, where a harried-looking nurse told her to have a seat and wait. She sat, thinking he had been at the hospital all along and relieved, and was in for a rude awakening when two ANBU members told her to follow them. 

She followed them across the village, all the way into T&I where she sat face to face with Ino's dad and the scary proctor from the chunin exams.

She was relieved to see Inoichi there- he had always seemed rather fond of her even after Ino’s abrupt end of their friendship and happy to see her in the past, though now he looked at her grimly. 

When he explained that Kabuto had absconded the village two days prior- that he was suspected of working with Orochimaru and was officially declared a missing-nin- something inside Sakura broke. Her first and only friend since the disastrous chunin exams had just abandoned her too and why would he leave, _what was wrong with her that made everyone keep leaving-!_

Looking back, she's convinced the authenticity of her reaction is what made Ibiki give up any ideas of torture. The waterworks she cried were enough. 

Inoichi, using his gentle demeanor, explained that he would use his mind-jutsu to see inside her head and view any memories she had of Kabuto.

And she tried not to curl up in shame as he saw every awful, horrible thing Kabuto had done to her. Her saving grace was that she honestly had no idea who he was or that he was a traitor- which likely saved her life but had every upper-level shinobi in T&I looking at her like she was an idiot.

When it was over, Inochi looked nauseous and took several deep breaths before thanking Sakura for her time. She exited the building, once again lost and alone.

After Kabuto’s betrayal of the village, she no longer cared about her body and threw herself into seduction work when it came her way. Despite never being intimate with him, despite never even having her first kiss, it didn’t seem to matter anymore. It was all so trite. 

She had allowed him to use her body to practice all sorts medical ninjutsu, leaving scars in his wake. She had hurt even herself upon his request at times so that he could practice healing it- she was already hurting herself, so why _not_ hurt herself when it actually had a positive outcome and made someone pleased? Really, it was a win-win situation.

(How could she have ever thought that was okay? Why didn't someone notice, or say something-!?)

Regardless, she had given him her body and he had destroyed her psyche, making her associate love and attention with hurting herself and pain. Making her believe that people only wanted her when she was hurt or willing to be hurt for them.

She was still unlearning that, years later. Maybe she should bring it up in group. 

The worst part of everything is knowing that it’s all her fault. If she had been less _stupid_ , if she had just told Kabuto _no_ , none of this would have happened. Their fucked up relationship. His hurting her. Her running into seduction work since heck, her body had already been used, why not? All of the trauma seduction missions had brought her.

It was all her fault. 

Despite the pain Kabuto brought her, though, one good thing did happen in spite of it- she became Tsunade's apprentice.

When ANBU marched her in front of Tsunade after her visit to T&I and the hokage asked her why the _hell_ she would put up with that kind of treatment, she got quiet when Sakura said that in addition to wanting a friend, she really wanted to learn medical-ninjutsu. 

_“And you couldn’t have, I don’t know, asked someone at the hospital? Asked me?”_ she remembers the Hokage asking. 

_ “I didn’t think anyone would take me. I’m not from a clan. I was happy with what I could get.”  _

_ “...most students are dedicated to learning medical ninjutsu until it gets difficult or painful before they drop out of the program. I’ve never seen a student go through what you did just to be willing to have the  _ chance _to learn. Do you still wish to study medical ninjutsu? Don't worry about anyone not taking you- your chakra control is excellent and despite the unfortunate situation, I'm impressed by your tenacity- I'll teach you myself, if you still want it."_

The rest was history. 

She realized that she’d been lost in memories, walking around in a circle and hardly collecting any firewood. 

She quickly grabbed some wood and other kindling before pushing the thoughts out of her head and making her way back to the fire. 

Itachi wasn’t what she expected at all. 

Frankly, she had expected him to act like Sasuke, or even the rest of the Uchiha clan she’s met- arrogant, spoiled, mean. 

She’s surprised to find how gentle and polite he’s been. The way he’s always asked her opinion on their travel when he didn’t have to. The delicate way he handled the conversation at the campfire. That he went out of his way to reassure her just now.

There’s no snottiness, no ‘holier-than-thou’ attitude, nothing. Itachi just seems... like a normal shinobi. Like a normal man.

Despite her painful thoughts from the past few minutes, a small smile forms on her face as she finds herself thinking that perhaps this mission won't be so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1). I'm touched and overjoyed by the response to the last chapter. Thank you all so, so much- I was very glad to hear from you all and will definitely be continuing this fic as best I can.
> 
> 2). I hope this chapter was accurate and respectful to victims of sexual trauma- I tried my best. Please let me know how I did. In addition, Kabuto's character may seem odd, but it's based off a past relationship, so please don't think it's unrealistic.
> 
> 3). Playlist for this fic --> https://rb.gy/2n10xu  
> I was nervous, is it too many songs, too few? I'll be adding to it as the fic goes on, and I'll also be posting a link to playlists for Sakura and Itachi's individual characters in this fic in upcoming chapters, so be on the lookout for that!
> 
> Hope you're all well. <3 Let me know what you think and what you want to see in future chapters!!


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